i speak fluent sarcasm.

'almost-classes' thoughts

2011-11-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

when at the beginning of a long break, you plan your life around a bunch of books and reading, don't. it NEVER happens. but come to think of it, not planning it around that results to pretty much the same, nothing. you think about it but you think again and go the other way. it's such a playful sun-filled day, why waste it indoors? or why waste it being the boring nerd you have become for the past semester? sure. you have just become the greatest and bulkiest pillow among the rest lying on your bed when you made either decision. congratulations. there is no lesser evil. your only difference now (from your other pillows) is that you have the capacity to reach for and click the remote. more congratulations.

my time is ticking. and it's always the same thoughts. 1. gah, i wasted so much time. 2. but i had so much fun. 3. so much fun doing nothing? 4. i deserve it don't i? 5. did my classmates study during this break? and the list goes on. i'm probably going to class next week thinking that i should have regretted the lost time but maybe i don't regret it actually. but i will tell myself that when i get to school, i will not waste any more time. even then, i probably will still. *sigh.

wow.

i know myself too well. that's exactly what i would say. that's exactly what i would do. i remember asking the Lord to give me a focused mind, i remembered asking about 3million and a half times, but i'm not sure if i'm getting the package. sometimes i am pumped up to hit the books but sometimes, and when it's not absolutely necessary to be doing anything, the laze just creeps in.

bottom line is, this sem break has been sadly an unproductive one but it was basically all i dreamt of at the time when med school was killing me. so i still love how it treats me. for my last days, i will not rush myself into anything school-related but i do to get back soon. days like this are always great and i am definitely a fan of LAZY. :) peace.

shit happens

2011-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

death. by accident. i would imagine this is how it feels like. the world suddenly turns pitch black. your mind becomes cloudy; you're confused as hell and where you're gonna step next is a big uncertainty. but more than that big uncertainty are more and bigger uncertainties that no one-- no one can clear for you.

where am i?

what am i doing here?

what was i doing last?

who was i with again?

where's everybody?

and suddenly it hits you like a big yellow school bus (initially i was going for a non-cliche, made-up alternative but heck, there's no substitute for the real thing). and you ask, in the faintest and most clueless voice you've ever let out, AM I DEAD?

you wish and pray that no one gives you the right answer but now he comes, the hooded figure with a long, sharp and shiny toy in his bony fingers. he didn't have to have an answer because for some reason, now is the only time that everything became clear to you. the answers to your questions were pointless, the darkness around you have never been more comforting. you lie down and curl up like a baby as he comes closer.

i thought it was going to be fun. i was a daredevil. WAS.

thoughts: PARACHUTE ACCIDENT

what else CAN we do, shit happens. but this ain't one you GET OVER easily.

SHAME. big and bold.

2011-10-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

hello lover. it's been a while. a long while.

in case you're wondering, this is what i'm doing these days. i practically own our penthouse. food, drinks, flat screen, macbook and wifi. plus the gorgeous scenery. nobody would come up here because my sisters are still in manila, my parents are in their clinics and my brother's dota-equipped computer is downstairs. so all the goof offs happen here.

it's october and i've only said 13 things since the beginning of this year to you. SHAME. where did all my musings go?

here's my theory.

i'll have you know that since med school started, i have been open to many 'real' things. not that i've lived in a world of the unreal before it, but i began to understand the processes of many 'real' things as i walked/ran its course. there, no magic can hide how a blush turns you red as a rose or how a beautiful dinner turns to.. well, the most indescribably horrid and insignificant 'poo'. the human body became all unfamiliar and mysterious to me ever since i started and considering i practically lived in one for the last 20 years, it's odd that i know so little about how it works. SHAME. if that's a headache, i also wonder about how the other beings work, and the stars and the seas. talk about feeling tiny and clueless. i wonder if there's anyone who lived and learned it all.

the truth is, however, it is impossible to know all things. it is impossible to remember all that you've read from the beginning of your course that you just have to read it all again when the dreaded 'cover-to-cover' finals comes. it is impossible to learn about several fields all at the same time, or even all in the same lifetime. SHAME. sure a lawyer can also be a doctor, or a businessman can also be a physicist and be good at both fields but you can never really put them all together and be a cybertron who knows it all. if anyone is, somebody better kill him or he'll probably come up and enslave humanity.

i have only been in medschool for roughly 4 months, i have learned so much and crammed too many things that at the point in time when i do get to lie down and get to think about nothing, all my brain wants to do is to turn itself to soup and sleep until i'd need it again. and really, it shuts down. i don't even know what day it is. i don't even know if it is the day or night even. that i'm not ashamed of.

right now, i'm a fucking bum and i'm really good at it. if it weren't for my parents telling me what i should be doing every single day, i'd probably be hired to work as a log. i'm pretty good at lying around and doing ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY nada. but since forces around me keep me from taking that job, i am certainly still a functioning.. uhm thing. i still click on the remote quite often. i climb up and down the fire exit for fun. i still cook my ramen every so often. i still surf the net for things that amaze me, aka the gorgeous gentleman from the previous post below and his band ALL TIME LOW, plus other music. and i still drive (my new car, may i add. yeah i just met him this week. awesome.) that and other things i do everyday this sembreak.

lastly, i have current obsessions namely, the music of FOSTER THE PEOPLE, PARACHUTE (especially Will Anderson), THE MAINE and ALL TIME LOW. still. and forever. they are all adorable. now i noticed, i have began to type faster less cohesive sentences. so this is where i take off and show you what i can't speak properly of anymore. i'd babble if i don't stop now. so.

P.S. i have made a twitter account. i was forced i swear. its alex_bites. so i don't forget.

P.P.S. on a very important side note, if anyone has ALEX GASKARTH's number, please please forward it to me, it's very important. i have to marry him. thank you.

this is The Maine

this is Foster The People

this is Parachute

this is Will Anderson

and this is my All Time Low

oh here's a tip, a threat, whatever you wanna see it, don't judge them because of their hair. or gay poses. i should tell you that i knew their music before i knew them. so. do the same. if you hate, there will be war. maybe. peace out.

2011-10-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

RIGHT NOW: i'd do anything just hold you in my arms. i'd do anything just to fall asleep with you. SWAG. :)

all time fucking low

2011-09-23T19:54:00.000-07:00

i've known this band a while but i never noticed how adorable they really are and how deep i would fall for their awesome. :)

super wonderful night. danced like fuck. sang and screamed like my lungs will collapse. jumped like hell broke loose. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. i needed that.

p.s. i think i might have perfected the art of sneaking in a big ass camera where it's prohibited. :p

all time fucking low. 09.22.11 araneta coliseum. BONER NIGHT.

midterms.

2011-08-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

Do you know how painful this week has been? Very. So I have two words: GOOD, and NIGHT.

if not now, when

2011-07-29T06:42:00.001-07:00

i get it, incubus. 3 makes it a strike out.

so i worked my arse out for a patron ticket for you. and you were wonderful. and the night was one of the most stellar i know.

to brandon boyd: your chromosomes have combined beautifully. you were exactly like i imagined. :) you do something to me that i can't explain.i knew i'd get you to look. “My problem is you make me melt and I don’t want to be frozen anymore.” - Brandon Boydlights. camera transaction.
and then i died.

med school. bow.

2011-07-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

its been weeks since i started wearing my uniform again. it's very difficult to stay awake. it's taking a while before i keep up with things. sort things. sort people. but it's fun. definitely. right now, i'm fascinated with anatomy, medical concepts and art combined. in fact, my old (slight) dislike of the idea of skulls in shirts, skulls in skateboards, skulls in tattoos has vanished. here are some of the things that i found. pretty awesome shit. :)

source: cool people who see it.
and as for my sanity's continuous operation, i try to be guided by this.thanks. see ya.

macauuuuuuu

2011-05-05T01:36:00.000-07:00

ON LIGHTS, GAMBLING AND HOME.

i would love to live in you, city of bright lights
turn all my patacas to a million times their worth
drown my heart's fears in your structures' wild heights
burn my tongue over and over your famous wanton and broth

but bright lights would mean no more stars at night
games of chance and high hopes equal games of risk and possible loss
but your heights don't mean shit to the weak of heart
and it would take more than just soup or beef balls to feed a hungry boss

so off i go on a plane then, back to my little homeland
where the streets are labeled in characters i can read
no more malls in hotels, hotels in casinos oh so grand
just good ole familiar, here's the cèsuǒ, there's my bed.

macau was just what i needed. thanks mom and dad. :)

SUMMER so far

2011-05-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

i must say this summer has been the best since four years ago. let me be more concrete.

the electric bill went up by less than half its original on regular days and the heat is just magnificently suffocating that you wanna take a bath 23 hours a day. also i have yet to work out the mechanism for immunity against that bloody headache that creeps up my back starting 6:30am everyday. and sure i'm not very productive most of the time and my mouth just keeps feeding itself like its synchronized with whatever my hand grabs. yeah thats possible. in short i have become the apprentice of the cross between jabba the hutt and a lamp. if i were to redo bruno mars' lazy song, it would go, "to-year i don't feel like doing anything." get it? instead of to-day i used to-year cos it's been a long time since i wasn't lazy and have done anything and i should stop talking cos its lame? but you know what, just to make me feel better about myself, the next list you'll see contains the things i did/ things i'm working on this summer. hurray for summer!

*holy week in zambales (as in tradition)
*went to macau (that included lots of walking, shopping, picture taking, eating, lots of fun really)
*enrolled for med school
*roll in dvds
*sleep late at night
*sleep whenever i feel like it
*do my parents' errands
*stay in the hottest place on earth (tuguegarao)
*tend the garden
*feed the snake
*fix my ipod
*read a book. maybe.
*watch american idol and NBA.
*write. something.
*listen to more switchfoot and mourn their leaving.
*forget about justin bieber.

*and a lot more stuff. but for now here's the update. addressed to whom it may concern. :) tata.
oh and i cut my hair. :D bye.

p.s. i hate FEU for giving me hell. FU.

listening to: gravity by sara bareilles

2011-03-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

"You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain."

i am on a high. i am hyped up. i am sucked in a hopefully temporary warp. i might go crazy.

this is aaron johnson. if unfamiliar, there's google. the song verse up there just seems appropriate, i dunno.

i know i know he's one more cutie-patootie that's all over the movie scene but i swear he's not a chick-flick guy. he played lennon in a movie; ain't that something?

before my disease strikes again, and before i lose my calm, i am not going to try to tell you or myself, in this blog's case, now or ever, how gorgeous, out-of-this-world, bla bla, flowery flowery words, etc he is because, well you have eyes don't you? so do with them. i should toss in, though, that he has a british accent that melts butter in ice. (it's the high.)

there's a catch though. he's married. to a total big shot and brilliant artist and director. who is about 20 or so years older than him. and they have a kid. and it keeps getting more painful yeah? i know.

i don't have a point basically. i just...

no wait. i do. i love this! no school is the best! suck it.

in other news: i'm in cagayan. i'm working on a diet scheme. i'm doing disease inventory for my sister. she's a bastard. that's it.

p.s. get your dose: http://fyaaronjohnson.tumblr.com/ :D

passed!

2011-03-07T17:14:00.000-08:00

this is mildly embarrassing. but i'm gonna write it still. i looked at my aisis account today and i have never been this happy to see D's. i know, i disgust the living buh-jesus of my fatherland (for history), all scientists (for biochemistry) and sheldon cooper and archimedes (for physics). sorry peeps but i care less about what you think than in passing and graduating. it was as simple for me to say, "basta pumasa" back when i was still stressed with the last million school work load and it is still easy for me now to see D's as marks of my efforts during the sem that was.

wow i'm not a failure, but a dead beat bum-- wala nang tatamad pa, wala nang mas lalaking procrastinator. to be honest, i didn't spend enough time in the library like i did the past years. i didn't stay up late a lot of nights, didn't edit my work over and over, didn't restrain pleasures enough. in short, i was a lousy student. i watched, slept, played whenever i wanted. i probably lost interest in the last year of college. there wasn't any time for savoring the aroma of the end of a long test because surely enough, there was another one coming up the next day. it was awful. that's why maybe i just decided to just swallow everything and told my hard subjects to fuck off. i ain't killing myself for no shit like you.

while i cursed my subjects, deep inside, i'm terrified that i might not graduate and i'm really begging fate to hold on to me right now more than anything first. and it did. so now, seeing my D-angles instead of F-ailures is a cherry on top of my otherwise unbearable senior year. i'll probably write a goodbye post soon when it starts to sink in. for now, i'm just gonna bum around for as long as i can. :D bye, bitches.

p.s. passed UE and FEU. i have a future! :D

bitches be crazy

2011-02-28T14:55:00.000-08:00

the deliciousness has landed! - patrick star.

i officially finished all school requirements yesterday. *dance. it was horrible. i crawled to kiss physics' ass just so i could pass it. that's a shame. and also my fault.

anyway, i still don't know how to put things into writing for the longest time but i do know that i want to take note of this juncture. there are a couple more worries i have to address and wait for before i can finally breathe for the summer but i'm taking it easy for the next days nonetheless.

who said (A)ng (M)atulog (D)i (G)agraduate? that's exactly what i did and look where we are now? waiting for the list. aw man. i'm still anxious about biochem and history because i did bad there too. curse my inattentiveness and stupid sleeping patterns. i hope i didn't fail any. :s

i'm off to greenhills to get some things done. maybe get a new ipod casing. kthanksbye.

p.s. and to those who recently found out the cool apathetic feel to that phrase 'kthanksbye', you're not cool for using it everytime you post something. >:( yes, i'm irritated, you nitwit. stop. please.

grad blues

2011-02-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

i am a sick procrastinator who gets things done only when they're totally ready to shoot me. nevertheless now, many still managed to pile up like unchopped wood or soiled dishes by the sink. i need more time but i don't want any more time. i don't want prolonged agony but i refuse to fix the cause of my complaints. i don't need help; i don't need a getaway-- it doesn't help. coffee keeps me up, but only to do other things besides schoolwork. whuss the matter wityu?

dunno man. i'm tired for no reason. i'm angry with absolutely no one to blame. hmm, smells like teen spirit all over again. praise kurt cobain.

why can't it all be cartoons? me and my issues. oh well. maybe my writing will make more sense once all these settle. for now, wish me luck.

i miss christmas. click photos to enlarge. :)
palauig. UP. don jose. around. xD

plans? hang myself.

2011-01-16T14:56:00.000-08:00

DRAMA: Scene 1. Act 1- infinity.
Emotion: horrible.

i fear for my life and it kills me to feel this way.

i'm fucking beat of thinking about things i have to do, have to finish, have to die of. i plan ever-so-keenly what to do in the coming days, how to do things, how to not make a fool of myself and how to not die a horrible "death by failure." TO NO FUCKING AVAIL. technically, to some avail.

sure i get some things done in their right place in my time line but most of the time i just don't find comfort in anything that i plan anymore. i might as well say "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, STRUCTURE. I DON'T WANNA LIVE IN YOU ANYMORE. GET OFF MY FUCKING BACK!"

i want to be free. i want to stop this ridiculous mantra, "college. job. family. (cirque du freak. vampire's assistant)" i want to wake up and not think about what i need to do today. i want to look at the watch and realize, i don't need to be anywhere.

this is my issue. where it comes from, i'm not sure. years with some failures to identify with perhaps. or refusal to grow.

the thing about growth though is that all you need to do is get out of your circle. i'm doing the exact opposite. i'm stuck. in my present and in that planned future. i admire people who have their heart set to one road and that all they have to do is start walking. but i admire even more people who are faced with many roads all too scary but is willing to just close their eyes and let whatever push them to walk. now that is heart. what about passion you ask? passion is heart.

i blame so many things. i want so many things. heck i wanted to go to the world youth day but how damnit. how. right now i feel like typing junk because there's a pile of things written in my planner staring me in the face saying "if you don't do us you'll die"

i know this is most dramatic of me and i should just suck it up. someone ought to just strangle me and say "YOU WANNA KNOW HARD? LIVE IN THE STREETS AT NIGHT AND CHOLERA! YOU THINK YOU DON'T HAVE CHOICES TO MAKE AND YOU'RE BOUND, I HAVE TO PLAN HOW TO NOT DIE OF HUNGER! IT'S THE ONE THING I HAVE TO DO EVERY FUCKING DAY. OR ELSE BLOOD WILL BEGIN TO SHOOT OFF MY EYES!"

yes, my complaints are endless but again i must stop. right now i realize, this is bullshit. don't take shit from anyone. even from yourself. after you yell and rant like this. stop. do your homework. listen to music. pet your dog.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. - the fray. :)

capital L ame.

2011-01-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

hey mom i have new friends on facebook. :D
i'm 50% sure it's bogus.

to my top four most favorite people in the world right now. cheers. in my dreams, you're superheroes.

click to enlarge.

backtracking

2010-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

DISCLAIMER: I'M A LITTLE DRUNK. SO I MIGHT NOT BE WRITING COHESIVE IDEAS OR PROPER IDEAS AT ALL. BUT FUCK, NO ENGLISH TEACHER'S GONNA READ THIS SO IF ANYONE WISHES TO COMMENT ON THAT, TAKE IT TO MY ASS COS IT'S THE ONLY ONE THAT GIVES A CRAP. whut.

i'm in my pjs now ready to turn in. the festivities are still on full blast outside. my dog hasn't shut up til now; he got tired barking at every breaking noise i guess, he finally slept.

the salad was good. so was the ham, as always. but pizza's still the best. mmm. nobody touched the cake, oddly. guess none of us is a sweet tooth 'cept my mom who gave the fruitcake a go. i didn't just go to my blog because facebook on new year's eve is practically impenetrable, by the way. let me just clear that.

on to my objective, it's time to recap stuff that happened this year. or at least stuff i remember.

right. so there's the NMAT. did well. first step to medschool baby. kaching.
erm i'm near graduation too. yikes that scares me more than just about anything now.

three people dear to me died this year. there's lolo intong, lola loleng and uncle ricky. may they rest in peace and i hope they are happy wherever they are right now. that and a few more things made me sad the past year. things like how someone is stalking our family right now because he wants money. he sent threats. damn. but shh. and how i still can't like anyone. and how no one has sent me flowers yet. stuff like that.

stuff that made me happy, on the other hand include coffee, coke zero, my new ipod, phone, restored laptop, new icons, my renewed and improved love for my chemical romance. now i wont shut up about frank iero, gerard and mikey way and ray toro. i practically downloaded all their songs. that and many more things made me happy this year. that i can drive to far and crowded places also made me satisfied despite having a crappy car but i love that car. :)

i still hate school. and i'm still just getting by. oh ateneo won three-peat by the way. one of the things i wasn't able to write about here as well. school has been hell. well it has always been but not like this. that after it, there is no more i'd rather do than either sleep or watch TV. i also rediscovered the piano and it is lovely.

i'm gonna stop. because i'm sleepy. so. good night.

shut up and let me see your jazz hands.

2010-12-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

hello long-neglected lover.

i wanted to tell you so many things since the last time i came by. i wanted to type my thoughts, experiences and heartbreaks for the longest time. but alas, as always, i didn't have the luxury of the hours. i still don't possess it at the moment but i fear that if i don't speak now, my chest would seize containing my precious heart.

oh hang on, i have to barf.

i just saw 'the young victoria' the movie and 'tale of despereaux' (did i spell that right) today and i'm still so full of the british accent and royal courtesies and language. i used to think that i would survive in the time of fairy tales and sherlock holmes but as it turns out, i feel i wont be able to go on without some little things. they are all so dignified and proper that cursing might completely vanish from my mannerisms. fuck no way. there i said it.

on to main agenda. i'd like to stay, type and blab endlessly about my life for the past months, the gap that has been breathing and clinging on this site, but i figured nobody gives two shits about my pathetic life, not to sound pitiful and self-absorbed. generally, i'm just not excited. about anything but sleep, coke zero, a hearty burger and music. (all maybe taken independently or altogether) the real deal is, i have to grow up and well, to put it quite frankly, it's not that i can't, it's just that i don't want to. i've always felt tired and bored of the 'much older' life. do i want new things? no. for petessake keep it like so. don't make me go on slurping my brain juice for mature adult decisions.

remember the rocker? robert fishman said he tried growing up for 20 years and well, it sucked. i agree. somebody has to do office work but it's just not that fun, believe me, i've tried it myself. right now, i have to be concerned about many many things that i'd love to shove off at the back of my unconscious more than anything else. i said i hated school but now there's nothing more i've ever wanted than to stay there, if it means getting these ridiculous grown-up concerns off my fucking back. i need to think of my future they say. that is what you're in school for they say. and that's what you have been preparing for all these years.

well.

why can't i just sit quietly at home and watch some tv and play video games?
why can't i just go to school and worry about a chem test instead of straightening my life?
why can't i just sit here and sip coke?
why can't i just go play my guitar til there are no more songs to play?
why can't i just play soccer in the rain until i die of exhaustion?
why can't i just dance in the rain and not worry about getting sick tomorrow?
why can't i just set off my alarm because i don't need to be anywhere the next day?
why can't i just play with my dog all day?
why can't i just go swimming all the time?
why can't i just live in the mountains and live my own vegetables, tend my own cattle?
and the list goes on.

wait i have a lot more questions. but i wont ask them anymore because to these, i already know all the answers.

i know i know, be careful what you wish for. good thing i'm not wishing, i'm just daydreaming. you wish for something you can hope for. in this case, it's just my imagination, just my imagination.

again, no, future, i'm not excited! i'm not bashing you. i just... i want you to take your time. distract yourself from getting to me that fast.

ray toro: face it, you're never gonna make it.
gerard way: i don't wanna make it. i just wanna.

i know gerard way. i wish i could say the same thing. i could but it's useless. i'm not afraid. i'm just worried more than i'm ticked off of course.

basically, i have a lot of things on my plate before i graduate. (graduate. the horror. but not graduating is death. so i think i'll take the road usually taken this time, thank you.) and really, it's not a small plate, it's a fucking solar dish goddamn. i don't hate my laze and my procrastination and my distractions but i do need to get smaller doses of them. gah.

shelley (in house bunny): so i have to learn stuff? about stuff?

apparently. suck. oh and life's a bitch and then you die.

i hate school

2010-10-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

i really do.
now i'm sad.

diary of a bitter concert non-goer

2010-10-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry john mayer, that night wasn't meant to be.

i was thrilled. i was 95% loaded. all i needed was the green light. but no. i didn't even care if no one came with me and that i have to drive all the way to moa on my own.

in retrospect, it would have been nice to have gone with someone. but nicer to have actually gone. :c yeah well. i had to cram a paper. things i do for school. oh the torture.

i wanted this so badly since the start of summer. but. i heard he was 'sabog' anyway. it was the last peg of his tour so he ought to be extra tired. same voice, style, swagger i guess but 'sabog' nonetheless. i mean, he looked less than pleasant then. to me. hair= no. shirt= seen cooler. drummer= not his drummer. he just doesn't look that appealing than he actually is to me.
the photo gets two thumbs up though. i think the event was strict on camera screening too. so that wouldn't have worked on me. i would have been crying the whole night for not having nice photos.

so. maybe next time, john mayer. i still love you. when i see you though, if i see you, try to look like this.

no title 2

2010-09-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

you know what hurts me?

sunday. the day after the funeral. dad says, bakit hindi na lang si rafa (the dog) yung namatay? para hindi mashadong masakit. he goes on to say baka na lang sana. kahit lima pa.

bakit nung nanaginip ako na namatay si uncle mo ricky, tapos nagising ako hindi naman? bakit ngayon hindi ako magising? :'c

i hate seeing my dad sad like this. he never is. he can be super funny, sabaw, angry, unpredictable all the time but never too sad and dramatic. it just breaks me. i nearly caved and cried that instant.

september 15. my mom told me uncle ricky was confined at sph. that day i purposely wore this ring that had a 'mama mary and a girl praying' on its button. i felt like i needed so much prayer and supplication.

september 16. i went to the chapel in between my classes this day. my parents canceled their planned eurotrip in the last minute and that's when i felt afraid. i wanted to be distracted. i wanted to skip my breaks. i wanted to get it off my head. i can't get it off my head. my sister texting me medical stats that i don't recognize but clearly sounded bad did not exactly help.

and then i found out. wala na si uncle. i planned to go to mass after my 6pm class but i couldn't. i drove and parked near the chapel but i started crying before i could even leave the car. my sister tried to petition for the fast recovery but it turns out we're praying for the eternal repose of the soul already. my eyes throbbed that night. i hurt.

madaya at hindi pwede. it's so unfair. these were the two words that described our thoughts. nevermind my feelings, i thought what happened was just wrong. i hated it.

i looked over on my shoulder on that funeral and i saw my cousins and their mom all in tears. i was sobbing myself but i couldn't possibly imagine fully the horrible feelings that this incident has left them. i could only hope that this would turn out better for them soon. they felt better, i guess, when we got to the cemetery and we were going to close the casket. bye pa! wala nang iiyak a. dare! damn i was the only one who couldn't do the dare. oh man. i guess it's just me and letting things go.

i didn't know uncle ricky that much to tell his life story and to make a hero out of him but i did know him enough to say that he was a good man and that he it hurt to let him go just like that. he raised good kids. a lot crazy but not dysfunctional.

now. everytime i see this car, without fail, nothing else flashes in my head.. but him. i miss you.

no title

2010-09-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

can we pretend that airplanes in the night skies are like shooting stars? i could really use a wish right now.

i hate death. it's the single bad thing without qualification. death is easy? fuck you, bella.

it's painful. nauseating. difficult. i feel like my stomach has been cut off from my system, stuffed with cement and sewed back in. why?

go to hell, you disease. you useless, insignificant lowlife are not welcome here. you're mindless grappling for somebody else's resources is a despicable, shameful and indecent way to feed yourself. and how dare you exploit that fast, you don't deserve anything! you are weak! you are not wanted and you have to crawl back to your pit and burn instantly. you are nothing but pestilence.

'parang talo yata si uncle.' - ma
'una na muna ako, nakkong.' - uncle ricky

sige po, uncle. :')

RICARDO C. DE LOS SANTOS. (+) September 16, 2010.

joey

2010-07-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

this is depressing.

oh my painful childhood.

musings of that bum

2010-07-27T00:56:00.000-07:00

blank. just like my test paper
my brain, it starts to whither
waste some ink, ye old slacker
(aa interupts)

come up with something proper

enumerate, identify, fill in that blank
dig up that good ole magic word bank
see now why it ain't what you call junk?
oh watch now how you painfully flunk.

the reading was harsh, you say
just sleep now and later pray
you were already going that way
you knew there was a price to pay

back to the blanks, how many items?
less than, i assume, last night's REMs
why didn't i just pay attention, damn

i feel dumb, i'm just like all of them.

cellmol exam.

screw you, inconsiderate prof.

makin' in by the pink moonlight

2010-07-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

it's always penny and me tonight.

i need to keep myself constantly up nearly every night until about 3am so i can work on my readings. my tactics go from coffee breaks to plants vs zombie breaks to strolling outside the house to flipping through channels. so far i haven't gotten to any that hits the right spot. i'm awake in the meantime, while doing my study break rituals but as soon as i go past six words through the paragraphs, i'm catching zzzzz again. i tried not resting my back against anything, keeping the air conditioner off, munching on brain food but peanuts are just as useless in keeping my lids from shutting as watching a porno on HBO (you know, because they cut off all the scenes. good analogy, bad example. sorry.)

i'm trying a new method now. avenue= youtube. i search for super old videos of songs that i've listened too when i was young. it's double purpose see, i get to zone in my past and hope that the nostalgia will keep me awake. (awake not distracted. i hope) right now, i'm stuck with hanson. and boy did i just feel old. maaaaan.

here's one of my favorite hanson songs. enjoy. :)

anxious

2010-07-11T18:07:00.000-07:00

i'm being too psych. then again, what do i do but feel sweaty, jumpy and bite my nails (emoticon-based). plus this half-working, half-slow and half-heavy slash hard keyboard i'm using at the computer lab makes me want to doubt my fingers' dexterity. i'm pressing the backspace bar more than any other key or combination of. it's so stiff and far apart. anyway, don't blame it on the inanimate object. that ain't gonna work.

i think i just cut class. i think there was no class. there was no notice. there weren't any people in the classroom either. should i have waited longer? but it was empty. now i'm not doing anything. i'm typing. surfing. waiting for my next class. wait. what happened there? what did i miss? did ma'am say we weren't meeting today? who to text? no one. i don't know anyone. what now? i should wait. i'll wait. i'll keep typing til the bell rings. is that it? was that the ring? is it time? should i go? i can't miss another class.

people cut without a worry. fast people. i'm sorry but i have trouble missing things i'm not supposed to. rule 1: DON'T CUT.

i'm not a nerd. i just don't like that anxious feeling when i'm not where i'm supposed to. bye.

NBA playoffs 2010 CHAMPIONS coming through.

2010-06-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

i love LA Lakers!

hahahahahahahah

bum bum bum

2010-06-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song.

oh man i am such a useless couch potato. i may not have been doing anything for the last two weeks of life, and i plan to be a bum til i puke of this lifestyle but i have done so many realizations over those lethargic but most exciting moments of this year (so far).

please refer to list below:

* my parents will probably never buy me a cool volkswagen. i checked. it was expensive.

* glee is entertaining but it's overdone. and it slowly becomes more and more annoying the longer you watch it.

* LUKE GRIMES is amazing.

* VINCENT PIAZZA is adorable.

* i have dreams of living in a good ole lighthouse. they're creepy but gorgeous.

* my mom is a nagger. not a surprise.

* there's nothing that john mayer music wont fix.

* it's sofaking hot.

* ANDY SAMBERG and JORMA TACCONE are my two new favorite people in the world.

* my sister's a pain.

* the beach is my favorite area in the world.

* LAKERS is still the best team. go KOBE.

* i hate people.

* i love coke. the drink not the.. you know. jenjenjehhn.

* ASSASSINATION OF A HIGH SCHOOL PRESIDENT is one of the best movies i've watched. yay.

* baseball is boring. i'm sorry baseball fans. it just is. really i'm sorry. i tried to understand it.

* there's nothing dumber than homer simpson.

* the election is taking forever.

* i hope NADAL wins. :D

* our penthouse is the best penthouse. it's not big but it's the best. :P

* i am currently being raised by a television set. oh man.

* i'm not a fan of growing up. it's boring.

* if i don't stop now, i'm gonna miss family guy. it's on fox right now. so. bye.

job's are for suckers. - glen quagmire.

fright night

2010-05-19T06:21:00.000-07:00

WHO invited the corny title?? go. away.

REAL TITLE: man with the severe burns and a fancy for wolverine-looking metal claws- that's freddy: musings of a scaredy cat- that's me.

quick question, you think freddy kreuger would most likely hide under the bed or in a closet? just a question. nothing big.

oh did i mention that i'm home alone tonight? i just watched nightmare on elm street earlier today. good movie. bloody. not too much. disturbing yeah. as it seems, it's pretty much enough to snatch that insomnia out of me tonight.

freddy kreuger. i never paid attention to any of the other movies he was in. just like not giving squat about saw i, ii, iii, iv. v? i don't even know. slasher movies are awesome but are not quite my movie inclination most of the time. eh well. they're cool and all but after a while they just tell the recurring tale- something about revenge, something about what happened in the past, something about secrets revealing themselves. *yawn. needs more horror. but really, who knows horror?

time for some ice cream.

untitled. til i noticed. just now. weird.

2010-05-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

i think it's time i talked like a book ate me and then threw up of me. again. like i used to. uh.

i haven't been writing anything that's not "not" productive lately. and i am bragging about it, lo and behold. in fact this entry is, as i would brand it just now, the most insultingly unproductive piece of writing that i have had in weeks. likewise, it might also still be so until a considerable amount of time until i get back to thinking nonsense at least.

i've been doing a lot of official human resources business lately as i am part of one giant oven with a number unbaked pies of pitiful stacks of printed material that tasted like awful ink. printer ink flavor was never one of my favorites. i have been revising manuals that gathered so much dirt in one corner of the oven that even if war broke nearby, the fortress of cobwebs and asthma-triggering dust would be too darn strong that the old ill-grammared and infinitely unedited fluffs of sentences would be left perfectly unharmed and still.. ill-grammared, infinitely unedited and by that time after, slightly crumpled and toasted but warmly shaken and seasoned with filth powder.

those revisions piled up on one side like millions of oversized flesh eating crabs that crawl, pinch and pull all contenders down to their dooms. translation: i had to fix those manuals fast. i only had 150 hours to make this department a little better than i first saw it.

and voila! it's done. yup, one-hundred and fifty hours of pure goof off plus a little work. i cant believe people actually take this ojt stuff seriously. i mean, holy crap, i was just putting "enough effort to get by" on mine really but i was earning loads of attention and doing so much for my site. that is, according to them. i'm not saying i worked in mediocrity and brushed this thing aside when i can, i did like my site, in fact, i was really comfortable in it, i just didn't particularly quote-end quote ENJOY the concept of office work but i did make the best out of those 15 days- i had a lot of things done. fixed. revised. changed.

i've heard of some of my classmates killing over pathetic stacks of reading and mountains of data junk. i've heard of super strict time cards. of mean customers. of unreasonable workload. oh man. i am not in the mood.

this has been the summerclass-long report of my life. it's much longer in my required journals. don't ask. i'm now officially a bum.

and sign out.

brad pitt is still perfect to me

2010-03-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

i'm watching the curious case of benjamin button. again.

if i fail that chemistry finals exam, it's because of this. call me whatever you want for not watching it on big screen while it was on but right now, i really don't care. i'm just glad i was able to watch it already. after a bagillion years, that's a decent count. oh man.

anyway, it might be too late for a movie review because the movie had already gathered a shelf-full of awards from best film to best music to best make-up (of course) to best actor (of course) to name a few, but nevertheless, i'm still gonna say it; the movie is really cool-- really sad but awesome. the story is flawless and though it was weird as hell, it was overall super nice.

p.s. i'm really bad at doing reviews and giving comments. maybe that's why my critique of my life is most of the time irrelevant, erroneous and full of BS "-->" acronym of the day (valenton, 2010 :D)

enough about the movie, i think for the big (c)hunk of it all, brad pitt was still my highlight. i've had a little girl crush on that dude since meet joe black and boy did angelina jolie just flush a great heap of gorgeous out of the toilet. wait in the sewer, i'll look for yuuu! *crazed mode. oh meee. it's just sad that he's really just old now. :'( still. see?

as he was getting younger and younger in the movie, it was getting cooler and cooler and him hotter and hotter but the unfolding of events sadder and sadder. *i repeat words for emphasis. emphasis! :D and now i stop. stop.

stop.

point being, although they've been fussing about him lately about letting himself go with that horrible bush of a massive facial hair, brad pitt is still brad pitt and he's perfect because he is. nothing less. :)

stuff to do. stuff to finish. stuff to cry about.

2010-03-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

pause.

FINALS WEEK. HELL WEEK. PAPERS. MOTHER EFFIN EXAMS.

breathe.

you know the drill. write after all else fails? :)) yeah. maybe.

night folks!

wish me luck. :)

in other news.

GIVE ME MONEY! i will wash your dishes for a month. :((

duuuuuddde

2010-03-12T06:21:00.000-08:00

it rained today!

oh and chem boo!

my fault i guess

2010-03-02T02:13:00.000-08:00

i got low in my chem exam. i got my paper just today. oh well. i did pass but it's far low compared to my first few exams. i must have missed something while i was reviewing or was i even reviewing diligently at all? probably. probably not. i didn't even realize the exam was up until a day before it.

so shall i attribute my low grade to miscalculation and lack of time? great. ignorance is your new best friend.

sigh. i'm gonna let it go. but i still hate it. my two-time streak broken. wow.

today... (edited)

2010-02-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

today i saw rico blanco. in sonya's garden in tagaytay. **i'm probably writing about this some other time when i get the photos up in my documents.**

he was with some chick. not so pretty. okay i wasn't able to get a good look at her but i would have noticed goddess beauty if she had it. forgivable i guess. rico doesn't look crazy gorgeous anyway.

speaking of rico blanco. let me tell you one or two things about what i think of him. or let me not. LET THIS. (WROTE IT SUPER AGES AGO. STILL TRUE FOR ME I GUESS. IT'S TRAPED IN A WORN OUT SONG THOUGH. yugto.)

p.s. tamaaaaad.

no one cares but i should. wrong spelling yung trapped ko. :D but like i said, no one cares, i'll leave it that way. :P

not aral-ing. watching cool movie.

2010-02-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

recap. recap. recap.

1. i was this close to screaming (out of the frekken random) because our final set of items in psy testing can't get a decent reliability coefficient. luckily, we were able to fix it before the week ended and just yesterday, we already dropped the questionnaires for photocopies. score.

2. sanggu elections are ongoing. i did abstain. :P not a lot, just a few that i dont know of and felt like ignoring. i hope my friends win. vote.

3. i forgot to mention about UP fair last week. i guess i got busy this year that i really wasn't able to enjoy it. i went one night and thats it. i didnt even have a good camera. bullocks.

4. school school and more school. wow. it's probably the mentality that i have a lot of things to do even when i don't have a lot of things to do that eats me up. i try to chill sometimes but it just doesn't cool me down; my thoughts still run up and down what's written in my planner.

5. i lied. i don't have a planner. for some god-forsaken reason, there are no good looking ones this year. and i can't take not good looking ones. i tried making one or some, i couldn't follow through, it was tedious work. this is also one of the reasons why i forget many things. gah.

6. passed the psy evaluation report last monday. it was a bad idea to cram it but seeing as to a lot did also, i guess that's as good as a supposed one month paper is gonna get. i'm just hoping for the best.

7. ash wednesday day. i woke up late and decided not to stress myself and race the clock horribly to school. so i cut my 730 class which was the only one i had for that day. boy was i unproductive at home that day. urg. then when my sister came home from school, we caught the 6:15 pm ash wednesday mass in our village.

8. i need to sleep earlier and awake to my alarm because lately i

have been missing them or cancelling them unconsciously.9. i need to catch up on some readings. a lot of readings. oh and i have a quiz on tuesday in chem.
10. post lab. social psy report. final administration week.
11. and no classes on monday. woohoo.

my sisters and i went to see PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS: LIGHTNING THIEF. it was cool. like greek-mythology-never-sounded-this-interesting-ever-cool. this is where all my literature in high school comes to awesome. i like how the movie turned a really boring, ancient concept to a nice story. and thats the end of my thoughts for that movie. you know how i don't like to turn appreciatory comments for movies i like to movie review, oh no. i just like it.

logan lerman, the dude who played percy jackson looked cute. just cute. i remember the time i really liked zac efron. :) he looks a bit like him. see? he did okay. good job percy jackson.

on hearts and love

2010-02-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

happy valentines losers.

wow. 19 years. nada. zilch. neverfrekkenmind.

i have a paper to write.

p.s. yesterday two people i know declared: nobody likes me, i will die alone.

damn ridiculous. i will dance on your graves if i find you leaving someone a widow/ widower. watch it.

i hurt

2010-02-08T02:09:00.000-08:00

death doesn't make you feel numb like what the movies say. on the contrary, it makes you feel all the possible emotions and shitass feelings known to your body. it literally makes you feel like you just battled a thousand orcs. like spikes stabbed your chest. like sand rubbed your eyes. like gears twisted your stomach. your head spins. your nose runs. yet you know you want to feel happy for him who has gone. because in your mind, while he leaves you hanging in the mortal pain-ridden world with all those crappy feelings of grudge, hatred, constriction, he goes to "that" place. he is happy. he is at peace.

this weekend i went to my grandfather's funeral in zambales. he was the last male of the their YAP generation. i'm sure there are medical terms for how he died but in my book, he died because he bled and because he got wacked by a frekken ladder. it sounds crime-worthy and TV-like but it did happen like that. i've heard so many versions of the story that i don't even wanna know how it really happened anymore.

people he left: a wife. two boys. two daughters-in-law. four immediate grandkids. hundreds of other friends.

i'm not immediate but i feel awful about it. i was not that close to him. i only see him when we meet him at the church and when we gather during occasions. but he remembers my name. and that's the best of him. :) he remembers all of our names.

"mama is suffering from dementia. it's not easy for us." i saw lolo's family's pain. i saw them crying. i saw the difference of "mas maraming karamay" as opposed to only two of you crying. uncle francis and uncle cedric had the hardest time. their mom doesn't even remember who they are. :'(

i'm sorry.

now, i ask of you God, to give to them strength and peace. i need you to tell them that it will soon pass and lolo is in great hands.

to you, lolo, i miss you already. have fun. eat all the cake you want. :)

RIP Jacinto Yap

1926- 2010

SA-ohhh-SIN

2010-01-24T07:11:00.000-08:00

it was painful. BUT SO FREKKEN WORTH IT. my limbs are still aching of being crushed. like i cant raise them beyond 90 degrees without hurting myself. i cant even scratch my back. and i feel like i havent washed all the sweat of other people that stuck to me.

but enough about me.

COVE REBER, i will kill, any day, to hug you. except last friday. i cou

ldnt. i was too busy lifting my jaw that kept falling off while you were singing.

*exaggeration oh. you are my specialty* i'm writing like this because no one ever goes to blogspot anymore. WOOT. it's true.

anyway, bottom line, that night was EPIC. TOTALLY FUCKED.

yay, SAOSIN. i love this life.

SAOSIN!

2010-01-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

saosin tonight baby! screw ACP, i'm living my life. love it. they're not m most favorite band of the century but we like them soo. yay. EXCITED. haha cove reber. :D

in other news, i've been listening to a lot of paolo nutini lately. i love him. his accent and vocals are just.. you just wanna piss in your pants when you hear him. he looks good even. i didn't see it before but really. :)

yapping (verb): talk at length in an irritating manner.

2010-01-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

12:00AM. yz finally turns in. wakes every frekken body.

starts::: yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping yapping.

now she's on the phone. still yapping.

yapping (verb): talk at length in an irritating manner.

LOUDER YZ! THEY CAN'T HERE YOU, IN URUGUAY!! JESUS MAN, SHUT IT.

cranky. irritated. pissed. >:s

you know why "giving stuff up" is dumb. urgh.

2010-01-09T02:52:00.000-08:00

you know why giving stuff up is dumb? gaah. i'm probably just ranting about one more random junk that i keep in my frontal lobe or developed there somehow but this might actually be relevant to serious things.

just when i found the perfect internet site that will give me updates daily about my beautiful werewolf, jacob, **break** (let me just describe it)

TAYLORLAUTNERDAILY.COM

it's the most comprehensive and religiously sustained website of taylor lautner. everyday, there's a good enough amount of information that you would pick up from the posts. there's always something new, not to mention a very decent collection of nicely pixelated hot shots in a gallery, videos and all those downloadable memorabilia-- everything that a fan person would need to smile and fall off her seat each time she checks the site. it has all those polls, links to other galleries, get-to-know boards for taylor fans-- it's very interactive.

**continued** the site owner/maker/ultimate maintenance person decides to shut it down. :( it has been around for 6 months and she couldn't go on with the project because she has other websites to maintain. (go ahead read the post)

i'm being melodramatic and disturbingly overly reactive about this but i'm still gonna say it. it's like turning your back on taylor lautner. but thats not even the point; it's that abandoning something/ giving up something is super HAAAAAARRRRD but happens in like 2 seconds, when you say, "buh-bye". maybe for the owner of the site, it's just like one of the many sites that she made but for wide-eyed viewers like me, it's the appreciation and effort that comes with it. apparently, i am the "not ready" to let go, in this scene.

i think i have issues with giving up things, abandoning, forgetting things that are important to me, but the most painful, losing interest with something you once greatly worshipped and just faded over time. the first three, you decide when it's time to get it over and done with but the last just spells out a big "NOT YET" with it. the difference is, you can't control the fading. even if you wanted to embrace the thing, the person a little longer, it just doesn't work that way; you will eventually just wanna sigh and let it be. i once loved harry potter sooo much i'd kill for a good seat in the movie house to see it, or a replica of a wand-- the story was amazingly eccentric when i was young that i coudn't stop being a hyperactive wacko for it. but as i grew up, i found it a bit too so-so (for lack of a better term-- taken from sir weevens). it grew too much on me as a kid that when i grew up, i really didn't know what it meant. i never wanted to not like it anymore, in fact i wanted to be a fan forever and keep it with me always. i look at my collection of HP things-- stickers, postcards, magazines, clipped newspaper bits etc. everytime i felt like losing my zest but it just kept on slipping away. and it was sad.

and harry potter was just one of those things, bands are more painful to abandon. because along with my genuine liking of the band comes my love for their music as well. this is also the reason why i never ever used my REPEAT option in my ipod; i feel like if i listen to a song i really really like over and over again, i will eventually let it go because i have worn it out in my head. sooner or later i don't wanna listen to it anymore. if i must mention some, i love my chemical romance (we even went to their concert here), incubus, panic! at the disco and more but not as much as i loved them once upon a time (independently). to say it again and directly, i don't like the idea of losing interest but i couldn't control it so.. if there's anything positive about losing interest, it's losing interest only to a certain extent. let me explain. the signs of declining interest/ slowly turning my back on a band travels from one by one deleting their photos (i use as wallpapers on my desktop) from my phone and computer to removing their songs on my itunes and ipod. it's not like i wouldn't have access with those again (hello limewire and flickr), but it's still heartbreaking.

in other words, IT'S FALLING OUT OF LOVE (interest), the most painful dance of desperately grappling something that you know is slipping. you don't want to give it up but you just can't not give it up. :s

i don't want to think that the maker of the taylorlautnerdaily.com fell out of love with taylor. i'd like to think she's just busy, like she said.

i know i don't wanna. :\

let's be merry

2010-01-01T06:41:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

hearts hearts. :D

grow up, you baby

2009-12-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

"i'd like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns slowly, it's hard to say i'd rather sty awake when i'm asleep, cause everything is never as it seems" - OWL CITY

well it doesn't. the world. it doesn't turn slowly. sorry kid.

it's my birthday. again. wow. has it been 19 years already? boy. i've been here 288 months dilly-dallying and approximately 6,840 days bumming around in this world but who's counting?

anyway, happy birthday again. go do some homework.

today's agenda: greet myself (check), listen to owl city (working on it), go to work (in a while).

108.9 degrees over here.

2009-12-07T06:18:00.000-08:00

more like one hundred twenty thousand degrees, damn.

i just saw new moon last saturday. i'm back to square one. by that i meant TEAM TAYLOR ulit. i mean, have you seen him? he's frekken smoking. i knew it; i'm gonna go crazy about this for a while again. i was already anticipating this since THIS POST.

i'm just gonna shut up before i spill my pathetic desperation hoopla.

click here for hotter photo.

*didn't post it na, looks too sexeh for this site. :P

TEAM JACOB. c:

happiness is a warm gun.

2009-12-07T05:41:00.000-08:00

warm things. warm people. warm warm. gooey.

my firo-b test results came in last week. and boy was i not the least bit surprised. as much as i don't want to talk psy, i find it interesting that this particular test really nailed it for me. before that,

STUFF I STOLE FROM THE NET (first):

The Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation-Behavior (FIRO-B) is a highly valid and reliable tool that assesses how an individual’s personal needs affect that person’s behavior towards other individuals. This highly valid and reliable self-report instrument offers insight into an individual’s compatibility with other people, as well as providing insight into that person’s own individual characteristics.

The FIRO-B measures a person’s needs for:

1. Expressed Behavior (E) – what a person prefers to do, and how much that person wants to initiate action

2. Wanted Behavior (W) – how much a person wants others to initiate action, and how much that person wants to be the recipient

The instrument also measures a person’s needs for:

1. Inclusion (I) – recognition, belonging, and participation

2. Control (C) – influence, leading, and responsibility

3. Affection (A) – closeness, warmth, and sensitivity

in essence, a person has three labels in this test corresponding to his (1) expressed and wanted inclusion, (2) expressed and wanted control and (3) expressed and wanted affection. my results ranged from 0-2.

i dont want to belong. i dont express participation. my label is loner. i dont want to lead. i express no leadership. my label is rebel. i dont want affection. i dont express affection. my label is pessimist.

wow i really should just live in a bat cave yeah? call me crazy but really those are all kinda true. so..

p.s. the assessor said, however, that it doesn't mean i cant be high in all these, i just choose not to.

what i was trying to say in my last entry

2009-12-01T06:58:00.000-08:00

my friend told me he was gay 7 days ago. and if it was still 7 days ago, i would have been still in shock and this entry would have been as sucky and remotely incomprehensible (a.k.a leading nowhere) such as my last post below. 7 days ago, i was slapped in the face with news i never thought would come. it's like bird poop dropping from nowhere. **not necessary but i'm saying it anyway.

but i think i finally got over that episode so whoopdeedoo. 'now' is normal. i'm not treating him differently, i'm not acting differently around him except i try to avoid yelling out, "gaayyyy" when i see things i dont like. i normally do that but now i try to stop myself in my head when i'm with him.

one word though. BRAVE. hands down.

last friday, he told everyone at a party the news and boy our friends are the greatest. they had the best reactions. they understood it right then and there.

and really, BRAVE.

congrats.

dont-you-just-wish-you-were-just-dreaming moment

2009-11-24T06:29:00.000-08:00

i'm bothered to my guts. i'm distracted and i just wanna go and sleep so that this feeling would just magically teleport to my unconscious and be lost there forever.

if someone tells you something.. so.. SEEMINGLY impossible to you (pay attention to my emphasis on seemingly), so unworthy of ever getting any attention from you in a million lifetimes, its hard to let it off. its like a drill that inches its way in your system until it reaches your brain and stays there. only the dumb operator forgot to turn off the noisy blasted thing.

if someone tells you something you don't exactly enjoy hearing exactly WHEN you are unprepared to hear it, you get knocked out. after you get hit by a jumbo fucking jet plane, everything slows down; you feel heavy and it drags you to that drill in your head.

I CANT FINISH THIS. I'M SLEEPY. my eyes are shutting.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

tadah

2009-11-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

i got a new phone. yihee.

round two

2009-11-09T01:36:00.000-08:00

and we're back. i didn't have the greatest sembreak but it was good. :)

among the more important things:

1) the clinic construction's good as done. yay. it's nice.

2) i hope rafa does better in the next weeks.

3) i hope this sem goes great.

let's go, THIS SEM!

*don't have much things to say. hehe.

i'm just gonna go cry in my room a little, okay?

2009-10-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

let me just say that I'M NOT GAY. a little maybe. :D

me posting movie snapshots has got nothing to do with my emotional status. i'm perfectly stable. :P

damn these love stories and their drama. damn this drama and its ability to bring shivers to my spine.

it's been years since i've seen and even remotely thought of the movie titanic. this is what happens when i stay at home with no one as a bestfriend but the telly. it's a

very painful movie to watch. urgh its not fun! it sticks to your ventricles and travels to the pit of your stomach to stay there a while and make you feel like throwing

up. it makes me sooo sad i should sue it. don't get me wrong, i love the movie exactly because it makes me feel this way.

i heard from ray langston of CSI that watching dramatic love stories (drama in general) is a form on masochism. wow i guess that makes me one sick jerk to myself then. bwahahah. lit 14 says, on the other hand, that watching a tragedy is cleansing of the soul. huh. yeah, i'll go with CSI.

they say the captain goes down with the ship. so if the world ends, will god go down with it? -FOB (how ominous is that?)

anyway, i just wanna say i really missed the movie. i forgot how adorable leonardo dicaprio "was." he's old na kasi e. but there. all scenes were heartfelt i swear. :)

back 2 the bonfire

2009-10-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

all i can say is CONGRATULATIONS to the ATENEO BLUE EAGLES! you deserve all the best. :) good job.

i had more stuff said about last year's bonfire that stuff i can/want to say about this year's. huh. so i'll start. for one, it was mudfree considering the typhoons just passed weeks ago. i had my usual routine of breaking in the crowd for awesome photos. sure its the mosh pit but that's what journalists do. i've gotten used to it. (technically, the squeezing in was hardest when i was still at the back away from the stage; the front stage was kinda loose and spacious so i had fun taking shots.)

second, there weren't a lot of bands. at least before i left (which was midnight already), no one went on yet aside from chicosci. poch was there and he sang his dicta license song with this ateneo band who borrowed it as a warm up piece. wow and the vocalist was just super surprised when he popped in the stage and sang with him. and that's about all i saw of the performances. phooey.

lastly, i will miss noy, rabeh and jai. last year, i didn't feel super sad for chris tiu because he was just everywhere- commercials, magazines, tv shows but these three, i'm not sure. they could join pbl. haay i do not know what's gonna happen to season 73. let's just hope salamat and everyone else left are good enough. :P

so there, my photos are in facebook and multiply and some edited ones in deviantart.

p.s. oh wait, haha. about deviantart. i posted photos right, and then when i looked like 30seconds after i uploaded kirk long's photo, there were already 3 people who put it on their favorite list. :)) nice, long. :D

my photos are also featured in NONOY FOR PRESIDENT (.blogspot.com)

things before the finals

2009-10-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

first of all, i hate IO. to infinity. i hate my teacher. i hate my grade. i hate the readings. i'm not interested in it, it can burn in hell for all i care. sorry.

i was browsing this site, NONOY FOR PRESIDENT and saw some things that i wanted to keep in my head. one, jai's baby. she's soooo cute. :D i didn't know he has a kid. does he? but for all that the photo's worth, maybe.

anyway, they're flooded din. aw. and how the ateneo facebook people said it was so sad. :c

the finals is coming up. it's 1-1. so we gotta beef up. LET'S GO! we believe. there's an 80 percent chance that i won't be able to watch the game on thursday though. as i have said, i hate IO. yeah, i have a class. damn. as it looks right now, franco is not stepping down and she still wants to do the class, that woman. grr.

i saw noy today and he's my favorite person of the day. :) we walked by philo department and we ran into him on the corridors and said good luck. he was all smiles and he recognized us. then we talked a bit in front of de la costa-- stuff and not getting tickets bla. so he was walking out and we went, "oh there", i said "pengeng ticket" extending my hand like a kid and pouting (AS A JOKE), and he laughed and said, "kung pwede lang e". and then we just all started to goof around and laugh til he left na. haha he's a nice kid. :)

i love noy. GO WIN US SOME, YO! IT'S NOY OR NEVER!

couch potato

2009-10-03T03:11:00.000-07:00

how long has it been? oh eight days and counting. that's weird, i feel guilty but i'm not doing anything about it. how grand is that?

it started last tuesday. i was still reviewing for my school agenda that until i found out that classes have been cancelled until the next week and or until further notice. and my golly it was mother effin' sembreak mindset that got stuck in the ole noodle. damn. it's as if the announcement in my head sounded like "ALL SCHOOL AGENDA AND ACTIVITIES ARE OUT OF ORDER. SO BEAT IT!" i didn't want to touch my readings like they were goddamn on fire. my laptop's probably programmed to only work on plant vs zombies and facebook all day. and night. sheesh. my problems now revolve only on what should i eat for lunch and when should i harvest my artichokes in my farm (on farmville) and which dvd should i watch today? and the like.

my couch potato syndrome intensified when i learned that the finals have been cancelled. oh happy day! i told my dad and he asked me to go home. he is such a darling, he supports my dreams. urgh.

classes will still continue and extend til the 21st and so my requirements are still up for submission in that duration and i will still have a couple of long tests as well. so..

gaaahh i just know things will haunt me as soon as i get back to school and i would just cry over my lost days and hours when i start cramming for my papers and readings.

what am i doing? this is not right. come on, someone hit me with a bat!

in other news.

i officially took over the family business. wow. my older sister and i had a heated argument because apparently she thinks i dont give squat about thinks in the house like the groceries, the bills, the market stuff. so we told my mom and now i handle all the money of the house. i gotta make sure the bills are paid on time, there's food for dinner and house things like tissue, canola oil and milk aren't missing. its a big responsibility but i'm up for the challenge. good luck.

p.s. like i said when i did, my prayers are still for the calamity victims and the volunteers of the relief operations and not for myself. for now, i trust that god has me only in his periphery and the people in need in his main sight. :)

*sigh

2009-09-27T20:05:00.000-07:00

dear god.

thank you for keeping us safe in our home. i have been blabbing about defective internet servers for the whole weekend while people are dying out there.

in our home, we sit and wait for the floods to come down. for that, i feel helpless.

so now i pray.

i'm sorry for those who were not saved. i'm sorry for those who are still lost in the flood. i'm sorry for those who lost loved ones. i'm sorry for those who lost property and significant things.

i pray for all of you. i hope that those who are saved are as thankful as i am.

please enlighten the volunteers and the donors because they have good hearts and they go out of their ways for others.

i wish i were that open to that charity too but i admit i'm just being selfish and i don't want to work while i have school work h

anging. but my prayers all theirs.

be strong.

oh my it's raining again.

long weekend post.

2009-09-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

you are the loveliest fatty. :)

Name: PATRICK STUMP

Affiliation: Fall Out Boy

i wanna marry you when i grow up. c:

wtf commercials

2009-09-10T04:49:00.000-07:00

i havent been watching filipino channels for the longest time. and then my dad comes in. he was watching tayong dalawa (?) and the rest of the other telenovelas that he follows. well there. and i saw these two uhh commercials.

ramon bautista for mcdo. :P

chris tiu for greenwich. okay i like you but this is too hilarious i probably wont take you seriously anymore. hahah.

i waaaant. :D

2009-09-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

wow 50 years of not posting here and this is what i come up with. sorry, fan coming through. :P

well i wont even begin formulating other things in my head to write here, cos aside from the fact that there are too much things already up there to distract it, i honestly and absolutely have nothing interesting in my life that i want to share to the world.

my life is just one big blob of goo waiting to be poked by a wandering kid. come on, kid! disturb my life!

my sister got at mad at me sometime last week cos i told her my life is school and that it is very hard. and all she said (or all i heard from her nonstop perstering) was school is just an institution and although it feels like its the only thing i do, there will always be larger things like your family etc. the lesson is not, have fun or live a little; i think it was more of a, FUCK SCHOOL, THATS BITCHIN' EASY PARE, GET OVER IT. WAIT TIL YOU DIE. ITS MORE FUN. or something else but for now thats what i think it meant.

other updates. i already failed two exams this sem. i know, its frekken dramatic and dumb but really, its a combination of not knowing how to write an overwhelmingly factual essay and being distracted too much with other things while studying. ay nako. i gotta turn those Fs around. they're very baaaad. *why do i feel like i've gotten used to this?

what else?

oh plants vs zombies. and much facebook. UAAP and ateneo stuff. LOTS AND LOTS OF RAIN puta. that's about it.

GO ATENEO!

2009-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

la salle just keeps asking for it.

81-63 pare. game 2.

ONE BIG FIGHT!

Ho! Halikinu!

*Halikinu!

Halikinu!

*Halikinu!

Ready, one, two...

**Halikinu Kinikina

Halikinu Kinikina

Yea bo, yea bo, Ateneo rah!

Halikinu Kinikina

Yea bo, yea bo, Ateneo rah!

**Halikinu hu!

Halikinu rah!

Halikinu kinikina

Rah rah rah!

i miss chris tiu. :(

...

2009-08-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

so i've decided.

quit school. kidnap bear grylls then live in the jungle.

good plan.

eminem

2009-07-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

i recently watched 8 mile. i know, it's been aaaaaages. well. it's a good story; it's very realistic. :) i forgot how good eminem was.
WILL THE REAL SLIM SHADY PLEASE STAND UP.

GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN.

aww those were the days. grade school. mmmm.

i had a friend back then who was really a fan and he dressed like eminem and knew all his raps. i knew all the raps too. :D that's why we got along. now i don't know where he is. :( i miss him na.

pawis and cut privileges

2009-07-27T06:12:00.000-07:00

kobbeeeee! yes you're yabang but i still like you.

sucky photos, super hirap, daming tao.

july 21, 2009

bonifacio high street

meet and greet, sus. blehh liar!

when she gets mad, i tremble.

2009-07-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

my sister can really shout. like i'm-gonna-kill-you-today-if-you-dont-do-what-i-say shout. she can say things in the best way they could be said in that you (who she's talking to) are gonna have to think and realize, 'oh yeah i was wrong' or 'oh yeah, i missed that'. she can make you have cardiac arrest alive for at most a whole day when you think you did something wrong and she's gonna find out when she gets home. it's horrible but sometimes just totally necessary.

i'm a procrastinator. and if you don't nag me, or if i don't nag myself, i'm probably just gonna drop dead in front of my readings and homework. it's nothing to be proud about but it's something i find difficult to control so i have to live with it. my sister, well she's angry with me, most of the time because of my own fault. i don't hear her out or i don't do things when i can. i cram to the last minute. again, not proud but hard to control.

lately, she's been too irritated and it's very hard when she's irritated. we eventually got used to her just walking around the house and yelling shit. somehow it's not so much as the content of her ranting that makes us crunch up but the loudness of her blabbering. i think we've established that she was born pissed and will forever be the ass that she is. that's how she is. and even my mom told us that it's kinda gonna be that way until she expires. so.

yesterday she yelled at me for not buying something for my dad that she has asked me to do ages ago. yes, my fault. there is no doubt in that, i procrastinated i know. she also yells so much at the dogs for being extra eager to see us when we come home. she yells on buses, jeeps and vios cars that have nothing better to do but be dumb on the highway. she yells on the maid for not being able to do this and that, clean here and there, find this and that. yes she is one pain in the eardrums. she one person who you just want to hit in the face with a bat while she starts talking too loud.

on the issue of 'myself', on the other hand, i've been tamad lately. and really careless, useless, non-productive even. the type of person you could bury in the sand for some time and no one will notice missing. i don't know. i kinda am feeling fed up with all the readings and homework and shit. i just wanna lie down and do nothing. they said you could be dissatisfied doing nothing. really?

urgh, leck. KAYA KA NASISIGAWAN E, you lazy ass. get your life straight, will you? it aint working. you gonnn dahh.

i hate the rain.

2009-07-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

i hate the rain.

MJ: Greatest Entertainer Ever.

2009-07-08T05:35:00.000-07:00

i just felt like i had to write one more article about MICHAEL JACKSON.today i watched the tribute concert/ burial program of mr. jackson. he's just phenomenal. people love him so much and whatever shit haters say about him, he will always be THE MICHAEL JACKSON branded the GREATEST ENTERTAINER EVER by motown and many people.he wrote so much songs. he conveyed so many messages--- heal the world, we are the world, it dont matter if you're black or white. he bridged gaps; he made history; he was great. who knew music could open so many dimensions? apparently he did. i mean, he was just singing and dancing but the world saw so much more past that.

i'm not being melodramatic cos he's dead. i really just learned to appreciate what he has shared to the world. i knew his songs but i never really listened to them so now that's what i'm doing and there's no surprise that i'm starting to like those songs really. billy jean is stuck in my head and i don't really mind.to mr. MICHAEL JACKSON,
i'm just one more newbie fan. but i know i know you since i got to this world. i cant remember how but like magic, michael jackson and good music just stuck together in my preconscious since the start of my knowledge. :) i don't mind that they called you a molester or that you looked like a corpse already before you died or you look funny with your short pants and glittery socks or that you died because of anesthesia overdose. maybe they're true. maybe they're not. the point is i never considered you a bad person because you really are not. your family proves it. your fans prove it. and you prove it. so i believe you.

my condolences to your family. i hope prince, paris and blanket grow up just fine without you although it might be better otherwise. have fun where you are. be happy and free. your music will forever be with us. :) you will be missed and will be forever in my preconscious; beside billie jean and that girl from thriller. :)p.s. i'm currently trying to write a song for MJ. hopefully i finish it and hopefully it turns out fine.

sweet. sweet.

2009-07-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

i can't write right now, i'm busy being psyched. puta, KOBE'S COMING TO MANILAAAAAA! JULY 21!!

LET'S GOOO!
i love this game. <3

switcheroos.

2009-07-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

TALKING FOOTBALL

name: ricardo kaka
previous team: AC milan
previous number: #22
new number: #8
new team: real madrid
official date of trade: july 2, 2009 name: christiano ronaldo
previous team: man united
previous number: #17
new number: unknown (rumors say #9)
new team: real madrid

official date of trade: soon this one's photoshop-ed

yes they will be together in a team. hot plus hot equals drool. lots and lots of drool. *bleeehhh. more importantly, talent plus talent equals well, let's see what happens.in my dad's words: "KUNG DI PA SILA MANALO, EWAN KO NA LANG." hahah.

TAKING BASKETBALL

name: shaquille o'neil
previous team: phoenix suns
previous number: #32
new number: #32
new team: CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!
official date of trade: july 3, 2009
yes, lebron james and shaquille o'neil will be on the same team next season. woot! nice.

dad's words take 2. :)this is funny. :)

so there. yeah. good luck to everyone.

sexy tiiiiiiime

2009-06-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

i just saw transformers. yay. finally. and i got free donuts for it. which reminds me, i havent touched them, they're in the fridge. saving it for an after midnight snack. you know, when i decide to start my homework. geez. anyway, yeah rise of the fallen. wooo.

i dont want this to sound like a movie review so ill try to make it sound as sane as i can without sounding oh so informal. it was fantasmagorical! *that's a crazy term i learned from brandon boyd. :D him and his gorgeous poetry. enough. generally, i liked it. :) transformers 2 was nice, it had a little bit of drama but i thought that was necessary so thats fine.

and SHIAAAAAAAAAAAAA. again. sheeesh. nuff said. damn.
p.s. megan fox was really hot. :)OPTIMUS PRIME!

okay, i'm just beginning to sound like a pathetic, ignorant boob here yelling crazy incoherent shit here so i'm gonna go. TRANSFORM! see?

bye.

michael jackson is dead.

2009-06-25T15:50:00.001-07:00

oh my god. i'm... sad. :(

it's cardiac arrest at 50 years old. i never really liked him like him but he was a great performer and musician. why else would he have millions of fans despite being a weird pedophile?

but enough about his bad ways, he's lived an interesting and controversial life. but who am i to talk? i just want to acknowledge his legacy even if its not directly on me.

bye michael jackson. i'll miss your moonwalk, glittery coat and 'bitin' pants. :)

click.

my mom says i'm not warm

2009-06-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

that's cos i really am not. not cos i refuse to consciously. i just am not. she just called me two minutes ago because one of her sisters (who just came home from the states) told on me that i'm not "malambing" daw. urgh that's so annoying that mom whines, "oh you dont greet her (in her old lady ways that she is so proud of) lovingly and suck up to her. you dont love her. nye nye." oh for the love of all things sane and un-gay, stop being babies in your own warped time holes! where am i, in the anciently used-to-be-recognized planet pluto in 1521?? give me a break. it doesn't mean that if i dont kiss her ass and ask her how she is every 2 godforsaken minutes that i dont want her there or i dont love her or anything like that. she's my aunt duh. i'm supposed to love her. sheesh. i think i've established that, or the universe has at least, since the day i was born.

being warm is just not my thing; that's the reason no one would dare be my boyfriend, seriously. i've shun a number of people just cos they're baduy and i'm not. it's not something that i'm proud of; just something that i have to live with. and they should too. maybe someday i'll learn it but i definitely, i cant force myself to being oven-baked cookies in all situations. my mom says just please be a little warm and grow another heart, and run the extra mile and all that hoopla and i go, fine, while she's here. damn she's so dramatic. overly. the thing pa is, it's just me. not my sisters and my brother who i think never even talked to my aunt; just ME. I GOT GRILLED. NO ONE ELSE. urgh.

in my head i have made-up scripts and scenes of lip locks with brandon boyd, nothing out of the ordinary, heart crushing climaxes but really, i'm not mushy and or cheesy at all. i'm just a creative storymaker in the ole noodle up there.

and for the record, my imaginations are exclusive and so is my warmth. i'll give/show/express/offer it to whoever i want to, whether real or make believe. YOU DON'T ASK FOR WARMTH! THAT'S EMBARRASSING. geez, mom.

brandon boyd

2009-06-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

He writes perfectly.

My name is Brandon Boyd. I am a Los Angeles native, a Vegan sympathizer, an artist by day and come nightfall I sing in a band called Incubus. I am suspicious of religion, advertising and know-it-alls. My teeth will one day fall out from overconsumption of licorice. My closest friend on the Earth is a dog from France. I sleep diagonally until I have company, then I sleep lengthwise. I am straight, yet I adore sparkling mineral water. I have a bionic right leg as a result of a freak gardening accident. My right eye goes lazy after about 3am. If you feed me after midnight, I multiply. My name, when translated literally, means 'Broom-Hill' which I find horrifyingly exotic. I live in an old building that at one point in the 1900's was a working brothel. As a result, the ghosts of under paid and over worked prostitutes roam my hallways. So, there is a lingering smell of cheap perfume on the second story of my home after 3am, which might explain my occasional lazy eye. I am allergic to milk and as a result have never had an ice cream party. You may have just heard the sounds of very small violins playing behind that last comment, but don't feel bad for me; I have sorbet parties at every Equinox and spend about half a day thereafter happily cleaning the 'sticky' out of my fingernails. My right knee is named Chet and my left is Garrison. Everything I wear once belonged to someone else with the specific exception of socks and underpants.

I am quite certain that in the above rant/ Myspace 'About Me' section there is a sizable window for you curious and or skeptical observers to peer through. I have always cringed at the thought of describing myself and my multiplying creative endeavors, but it seems as time wears on, that the personal 'Bio' is a necessary evil in the vast catacombs of the "I wish I didn't have to, buts..." of our strange culture. So with that veiled apology out of the way, I shall now recall (for those who desire to know more) a not so brief remembrance of my time in art thus far...

The first piece of art I can remember is actually now hanging in my kitchen. It is a self portrait my Mother did while she was in Art School. She was very pregnant with my older brother and thought it would be funny to paint herself as the Virgin Mary. So this painting, for all it's cracked and aging beauty, looks very pious and intimidating. It hung in the guest bedroom of my Grandfather's house that my brothers and I would bunk in when staying there. On more than three occasions, I woke in the middle of the night and saw the eyes of this painting alive and looking down at me! My Mother ( the Virgin Mary) in a very ominous voice would say, "Go back to sleep, Brandon!"

I started scribbling in very small pads with very small pencils as a child. I have since been scaling up exponentially. In Medium, content and size. As my mind grows, so do my sights on what is possible creatively. This has allowed me to reach into pen-ink, paint, pencil, photography, music, literature and lifestyle. All of which are as important as the next.

The kinds of art that have stood out to me have never really followed any particular pattern. I guess my eyes and my heart gravitate towards unusual, dark, absurd, sincere and beautiful works. I obsess over line work and flow.

I have no formal training; other than a few semesters at community college and some classes at the YMCA. I would very much like to return to school in the near future and absorb the myriad different techniques I have been missing out on! That being said, I was raised in a creative environment, and that does wonders for a young person's mind.

I have always had a hard time in describing my creative style. I find the same dilemma when asked what type of music I play. But if I had to, I would say that I am doing my best to turn my mind inside out and see what it looks like framed. ;) Once you get past the gooey bits and the debris, there is the occasional sparkly gem that glows like the edges of Barbara Walters in one of her interviews.

My creative process is both complex and simple. The complexities arise when I try and understand what I am doing when I am doing it. It's like trying to describe the sensation of love; one is better suited just experiencing it for oneself. But it becomes simple when I let go into the process and don't question it so much. Kind of a surrender into right brian, as it were. But for clarity's sake, I have waves of creativity, followed by times of drought. In these times, I have learned that just reading, listening to music, and surfing a whole lot help to pass the time before the next creative pulse arises. It's been this way in my life for as long as I can remember.

I work predominately out of my kitchen. It looks like a kitchen, but it's actually...well, a kitchen. Things are cooked there, and things are consumed. But just as much paint is thrown into amorphous abstractions onto paper and canvas that reveal my inner perv and my longing for contact with extraterrestrial intelligences (not to be confused with one another) as there is corn chowder stirred and swallowed!

I like to allow any and all influence into my world. Cultural or geographic. Political, or emotional. As far as I am concerned, anything is game. I find that large parts of my work are observational in the sense that I am merely living as I chose and the art, in whatever form it takes, is the unconscious filter of my experience.

I think that to live a life of expressivity is paramount. To me it is the embodiment of freedom. I don't have a particularly specific statement that I am trying to convey; like the Romantic's Manifesto, or something akin. I am more interested in existing in a continual state of creativity. To be able to see the art in every occurrence. To find beauty in the mundane and in the otherwise trite and or trivial. My life, as it were, is not unlike one of my drawings; a continually evolving, bulbous, mass of thought, after-thought, absurdity, intention and enthusiasm. Scribbled happily in ink without pencil lines and signed at the bottom.

I am currently working on a new series of paintings on canvas in acrylic that I will have no idea how to talk about until they are hung and dry and my shrink is standing back from them with an inquisitive scowl.

I just did a quick proofread of this communication, and I am struck by how often I used the word, "I." To my count, it is repeated 63 times in this glorified Personals Ad. Cheese and Rice! You'd think I was a fucking rock star with these levels of self absorption. Fuck it. I think that'll do for now. If anybody has anymore questions beyond art, music, haunted paintings, relevance, used clothes, literature, tiny pencils on tiny pads of paper, heartbreak, disillusionment, love, death, addiction, leather goods, lactose intolerance, the future, optimism, nihilism, idealism, plagiarism, environmentalism and the smell of turpentine, please don't Google my name or ask your "friend who knows about music". Call me at your Mom's house, I'll be there having a sorbet party on March 20th.Your friend and lover,
Brandon Boyd

BUZZ

2009-06-05T02:21:00.000-07:00

wake up, blog! it's time to talk about my life. ooohh my egocentrism. and how aware i am. psych.

so... i went home to cagayan and yeah i'm living an oh so lethargic life. i'm not bored. i did stuff. i've got stuff to do. i'm fine. yess me.

let's start then.
one: i bought notebooks for my brother. i covered them too. and his books. yay.
two: i am having driving lessons. FINA-FREAKING-LLY! sheesh. i got my student's license too today. technically, i wasn't supposed to be driving at all without it but what gives? the three sessions went in fine without it. let's say i can, maneuver the car just okay.
three: i had my first derma(?) thingy today. yeaaah. my mom insisted that i should just go do it. i mean whatever yeah? but now i have all these ointments and shit to put on my face. urgh.
four: both my sisters and disco have gone to manila earlier today. they have classes already next week. so it's me, mom, dad and toby, my younger brother.
five: mom and dad are leaving tomorrow for paris. gah i want sooo bad. so that's gonna be just me and toby.
six: toby's birthday's coming up next week on the 12th. hmm? what to do? maybe i should take the car out and pig out with him. tsss. not happening.
seven: driving lessons are postponed til monday sooo. yeah.
eight: i've been inhaling a lot of shia lately. there's TRANSFORMERS, DISTURBIA, CHARLIE'S ANGELS all swimming around HBO.
nine: i missed insaniquarium. i had to install it here on my brother's computer, again, so i can play it.
ten: I LOVE THIS GAME! okay so cavs lost but LAKERS is still ON beyotch! i've been so addicted to basketball and it's soo frekken awesome! yay.

more...
* i got through aisis without so much problems. actually without any that i can recall. so YAY GOD. you got one this time. sure i don't like most of my class schedules but that's as good as it's gonna get.
* i still dream of ceo.
* frekken slow internet connections.

overall, i'm enjoying this. yeaaaaaahh...

go away!

2009-05-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

urgh you're killing me.
i can't concentrate.
go away.
what's with you??
what's with me?

fuck this feeling.

new yorker in tondo

2009-05-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

i am not in the mood to write so..

1. we got a B+. tsss. can't believe the last group got A. *well maybe cos they've elaborate costumes. their play's the lion king. do the math.
2. i didn't forget my lines and i didn't space out.
3. we were all good.
4. i'm sad cos its over.
5. i still have this crush on ceo. and i don't like the feeling. and i might not be able to see him ever again. :'(

p.s. our group wasn't really close, in fact, we just kinda screwed around practices then pretty much left without notices. so.. yeah. i don't mind, i think it was a great experience and with those people, it's better.

here are parts of the script:

scene 1:
Mrs. M: Visitors, always visitors, nothing but visitors all day long. I’m beginning to feel like a society matron.

Mrs. M: Tony! I thought you were on the province.

Tony: Is that you aling Atang?

Mrs. M: of course. It’s I, foolish boy. Why?

Tony: You don't look like Aling Atang.

Mrs. M: I had a hair cut. Think it's horrible?

Tony: Oh, no, no.. You look just wonderful. Aling Atang for a moment, I thought you were Kikay.

Mrs. M: Oh, you are so palikero as ever, Tony. But come in. Here, sit down. How is your mother?

Tony: Poor mother. She is homesick for Tondo. She wants to come back here at once.

scene away:
Kikay: You unspeakable cad!!

Nena: Hey, carefully there!! You’re speaking top of my fiancé..

Kikay: He’s not your fiancé!

Nena: Oh No!! And why not, huh!!??

Kikay: Because he was still engaged to me when he got engaged to you!

Nena: Well, he's not engaged to you anymore, you just said it yourself.

Kikay: Ah, but I didn’t know about all this..

here are some of our snapshots: *i wont reveal who ceo is.the set. som 203directorsactorskikay, mom and guestsproduction crewgroup BD: new yorker in tondo. i'll miss you all.

iwrite. iact.

2009-05-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

NEWS FLASH (muna): I LOST MY EFFIN' PHONE BITCH. I COULDN'T HAVE LEFT MY BAG OPEN COS I COULD HAVE SWORN I CLOSED IT. WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS MISSING, I WAS IN SCHOOL NA AND A CONSTRUCTION WORKER IN ATENEO SAID, "maam nakita ko pong sinundan ka nung isang lalaki kanina." THERE.

URRGGH HIS SON BETTER BE DYING OF CANCER. DAMN. I DON'T LIKE TO CURSE PEOPLE BUT DAMN, I'VE SPENT A FORTUNE ON THAT PHONE AND SIM.

SO MUCH FOR RANTING. LET'S GET DOWN TO THE NILLY WILLY. :P

so i'm in a lit/ poetry class yeah? this summer. and i've been scribbling stuff since then. i've been playing with words and matching rhymes all over. err i wouldn't say they're any good, that's your cue. but yeah most of the poems that will follow have something to do with what we have been discussing in class. one actually earned me a star yay. and miss said i should have read it in class. wow. that would be the day. sweet sweet redemption. (for all my embarrassing moments in that class which i do not wanna talk about. they must think i'm a complete dork and dumbass. urgh.) anyway here:

1. summer 2009: this i wrote cos i was analyzing a poem for a class requirement and i couldn't hear myself think cos the rain was just raging. also, generally this summer, rain's been the common scenario and i dont like it a lot.

i dont wanna hear the rain
cos its gloomy and in pain
i feel its groans and aches
that fall with the sound it makes

i dont wanna see the rain
that splashes on streets of Maine
i cant look at them drop by drop
all of them hurry down then plop

i dont wanna smell the rain
cos its sad trickling on the pane
its oh so wet and stuffy
it makes my nose all runny

2. My Brain Tumor: this poem is a required one and i got the star on this one. it's a reflection on one class discussed poem "Slave Woman of Tarlac." i did it for like 5 minutes. wow. i didn't know i could still be praised for a poem ever in my life again. this really gave me time out from my chaotic life. i'm not that dumb. i can still create.

I look back to that sight
The horror, gloom and the fright
I doubt I’ll ever see the day,
When this fear will stop its play.

My mind it keeps the pictures flashing
Those times I feel the pain comes rushing
My screams they echo, though muffled
In my head, all sounds are jumbled.

I am numb; I feel nothing
I see my soul start rotting
Why should I even bother to resume living,
When I have to start from the beginning?

3. crime of passion: i wrote this on my sketch notebook when i was in trinoma sitting in a cafe and driving myself mad because it was one bullshit day. i was so mad at yz; i was so mad at myself i wanted to kill me. anyway.

i wish to claw my nails through your flesh
dig in your skin, exploit your insides, expose your stench
i want to see you bleed, sweat blood, pee blood
that way you want be able to call your god.

i'll laugh to the sight of your severed guts
your brain will drool of fluids that'll flow off your cuts
i'll dance with the maggots that will infest you
they'll crawl in between and over your goo
then maybe i'll pull and push back that dagger
slicing through your right eye after.

i'll yank your hairs one by one, crack your skull and without hesitations
play with your limbic system like you toyed with my emotions
lastly i will break your sternum and pull out your heart
squeeze it dry like you did mine when your goodbye tore it apart.

there. i'll probably have some more. when i find my inspiration. currently it seems to be gore. maybe sometime soon it'll be ceo. (he's a cute guy i have a crush on in my lit class. again. damn.) i'm acting with him in our group play. nuff said.

p.s. yes i act. this will be a first in so many years. and my lines aren't short!

fine. just one.

2009-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

i've been killing myself this summer with readings and nonstop organizer updates basically things that aren't supposed to be, period. i used to have so many things i wanted to write about here but i just didn't have the time to do it that i forgot what they all were. yeah my mind's pretty much profit, total revenue, marginal utility plus sun yat sen, treaty on nanjing, caste system and the likes of just-place-a-bomb-in-my-head-and-wait-til-it-stops-ticking shit right now. see i can't even write properly. i'm not gonna tell you about what all my lessons are; i'm not gonna rant about my schedule; i'm not even gonna tell you how my grades are doing. i'm just gonna mope here and type, see what i can come up with while my brain is dead. **cricket** tumbleweed** whistle. yeah that's it.

it's gonna be like this for a long while, for the rest of this god-forsaken summer. damn it to hell. now that i think about it, there's nothing else to write about. it's all the same. my life is as monotonous as it gets right fucking here.

in other news: swine flu.
in more local news: we finally got the wifi working. yay. it works on yz' and my laptops. hurray. and we were actually almost gonna buy a router. tss.

now: my eyes are starting to droop. i have a lot more pages to go. so i'm gonna leave this here.
P.S. this may be my most useless blog entry so far. i think. :P

summer classes.

2009-04-29T02:24:00.000-07:00

i hate summer classes. who doesn't? oh well.

schedule:
7:30-9- eco 102 (economics)
9-10:30- hi16 (asian history)
10:30-12- lit14 (poetry)

booooo!

chinkehhh

2009-04-29T02:20:00.000-07:00

i just found out last week that the chinky chickens stall is not in the jsec mall anymore. :( chris aint there na daw din kasi. that's sad. i only ate there like five times since... ever. i'll miss that stall though. CHINKYYYYY!

guh-rades. phooey.

2009-04-17T03:40:00.000-07:00

INTRODUCTION: second semester was a heavy one. i just felt like shoving it off the cliff down to hell. sheesh. i hated it. i felt lame, uninterested and useless. why shouldn't i? it was the start of heartbreaks, failures and unappreciated efforts since time immemorial. well in my time that is. i have never felt so squandered and it was as if i was being robbed of my ideas and time and happiness without me earning anything that's of minimum value.

REALIZATION: wait i'm being sooo overly dramatic about this it's painfully boring my ears and starting to give my fingers a stroke.

PROLOGUE: i've been warning/ technically trying to ease my parents/ parents' rage since after the christmas break about seeing Fs in my exams and having nightmares of test tubes strangling me and inhaling 12M hydrochloric acid/ HCl (very concentrated) then dying of it. before the finals week, i've already established and they've already accepted that there is a considerable chance that i might fail chemistry and theology (i know right). that wasn't something to be proud of but i'd rather that than tell them when i actually fail and get the grades already. of course even when i thought there was little chance of pulling my grades up with my final exam, i didn't throw my book away and sleep the night peacefully instead i did what i could still do after screwing most of the other things up. i did study towards the end of the semester.

NEXT SCENE: enough crap and go on to the good news.

CONCLUSION: nah, i just wanted to put a period to the semester that was with the thought that i passed all my subjects. that and the higher marks than what i expected make me wanna thank god even more than i did ever, though i don't know how. yet. :P i didn't have any Ds and i had quite a good number of Bs. oh and i got a A! hahahah. in BASKETBALL fuck. whatever! what a bogus. hahahah.

P.S. anyway, thank you so much god. i know all of this was your plan. :)

now showing: constantine

2009-04-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

oh geez i forgot how fucking cute keanu reeves is. damn hot. i was flipping channels and i went across constantine and yeaaaah. nuff said. and he was with shia pa, PERFECT! i'm meltiiiiiing. :D :D *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies *dies

let's talk chris tiu

2009-03-27T04:56:00.000-07:00

i don't know i think i just miss him. i didn't have this conscious crush on him until now. maybe i had it before i just didn't think it was there. *something. i'm babbling crazy language again. sheesh.

anyway, i dreamt of him last night and it was weird. here's the vignette, at least from what i have considered not exaggerating of the things i actually remembered this morning:

he was standing in front of a house. i'm not sure if that's his house or mine. it was familiar yet i don't recognize some of the rooms and arrangements. he was just staring up at the house. i went near him, stuck my face in front of his (sort of like a "surprise!" type) and i said, "CHRIS TIU, I MISS YOU." then i forced a smile and entered the house. my little sister was in the house, playing the guitar (i think), browsing a music booklet for chords i guess and i just hung around. before i knew it, he was in the house too and stayed in another room. after a while we were all in the same room and he opened closet doors to reveal a collection of music booklets-- kinda like the one i have in the province. weird. really weird.

it was relatively clearer than most of my dreams. in fact when i woke up today i said, "something happened, it's like i went somewhere." then i remembered the dream.
what's with him?
what's with me?

storm? check!

2009-03-27T04:21:00.000-07:00

yeah the storm has abated. that line has been stuck in my head since i finished my chemistry exams wednesday. technically that wasn't the end of it because i had to take the perso final exams. i should have been exempted but i lacked 0.5 til the cutoff. bummer but what gives? and more importantly, who cares? *i should but nevermind that.

anyway, i'm off to the province sunday. my parents already booked me a flight even before i started reviewing for the finals. sheesh. hopefully, there, i get decent sleep and merciless dancing and playing hours. oh yeah. that'll be the day. sweetness. can't wait to meet my friends and to be in zambales for the holy week. and just be frekken free. FREEDOM!

BIG BUT though, i still have 2 more errands: one, the paper for english and i'm swearing that paper by the way. i hate it! and two, my presentation in nstp-- i need this one as a make up for one cut. tssss. anyway, i've finished it, LOOK:

so far, that's it for the sem. i hope. summer classes will be starting before i notice it but heck, i've already been in hell have i not? i can climb back up. so lay it on me, B*TCHES!

so much to tell, so little time.

2009-03-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

i'll write about it soon. but for now...

things i (insert appropriate verb) this week:

1. finals week officially ended. but i have a fucking english paper to pass and a fucking nstp presentation to work on.
2. met jhoon and introduced yz.
3. meeting him again tomorrow for eh something.
4. i met kirk long yesterday. but yeaaah so?
5. dreamt of chris tiu. hmm.
6. must kill yz. pain in the ass.

fire torpedos!

2009-03-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

1:30 am. finals week. what the hell am i reading?
clue: blurrrrrrrrrrrr. rrr.

aw kam onn!

2009-03-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

an F again.
big whoop.
and i'm supposed to pass this?
fuck.
i feel the second-rate review and mediocre luvin' in my guts flowing out o' my pores and burning my skin like stomach acid on corndog bits.
not soothing. painful.
not funny. disgusting.
fuck.
hit me again. with a bat this time. maybe then i'll feel it.
sucks.

oogtsshh oogtsshh oogtsshh
oogtsshh oogtsshh oogtsshh
oogtsshh oogtsshh oogtsshh
sooner or later it all comes crashing down. crashing down.
sniff.

pursuit of happyness

2009-03-12T01:32:00.000-07:00

damn this movie to hell.
i mean it's so fucking sad it's soooo good and meaningful.
grr. i don't know what to feel anymore.
it pierces so deeply.

here i am whining about chemistry while will smith goddam kills himself scrambling for cents, sleep and respect from other people and his son. damn.

i love this movie. :)quotables:

1. You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

2. It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?

to you.

2009-03-06T18:53:00.000-08:00

you lived to perform. you were phenomenal. exceptional. irreplaceable.
goodbye though.
i don't know much about you but i know enough.
thank you.
be happy. be free.
i will miss you. i will remember you.

related topics:

EHEADS CONCERT1: ely's mom dies.
EHEADS CONCERT2: ely's friend dies.

maybe that's why this is the final set.

conaaaaaaan

2009-02-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

THIS FROM MY LJ PAGE:

i cant believe it. i only watched like 12 non-full episodes. more or less. i love conan but i don't have all the time in the world to sit my ass watching the show fully. but generally, i love it.

but..

yes it ended yesterday (technically, that's when i watched the last episode) the late night with conan o' brien was one of the oldest bestest shows on earth! it feels so saddd.

conan said he might have another gig. :D yay. sana. puh-leeaaseee. anyway, the last episode was okay. conan still managed to crack jokes. no one cried, it was happy. he thanked all all the people who were part of the show and who helped him achieve what he has presently.

i will miss you. :( see you soon. :)
p.s. why don't they just shut the stupid shows like martha stewart? the view??? darn it!

jude

2009-02-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

*suka*

NOTES: (leki)
A. UHM, WALA PANG TITLE. KAYO NA BAHALA.
B. PWEDE NIYO I-REARRANGE YUNG VERSES, CHORUS POSITIONS AND shit.
C. PERFECT YUNG RHYMES AT NUMBER OF SYLLABLES NIYAN. EHEM.
1. RHYMES- ALTERNATE LINES
2. SYLLABLES- MGA NAKA-PARENTHESIS NA NUMBERS. EITHER MAGKASUNOD OR ALTERNATE DIN.
D. DI TALAGA AKO LYRICIST AT 10 MINUTES LANG GINAWA 'TO KAYA SORRY ITO LANG NAKAYANAN. (sus)
E. KUNG MAY AYAW KAYO, OR MAY CORNY, WHATEVER TANGGALIN NIYO, PALITAN, ITAPON, BAHALA NA KAYO. :P

i.
you don't scare me (4)
don't you dare try (4)
i'll make you see (4)
i'll drain you dry (4)

ii.
you set hell free (4)
fire smoke and pain (4)
each street and alley (5)
left in tragic reign (5)

refrain
i will rise above you (6)
feel my wrath; feel my rage. (6)

chorus
crawl back in your blackhole (6)
tremble like death's come for you (7)
all the lives that you stole (6)
will creep, haunt and steal you too. (7)

iii.
you dictate what we don't want (7)
hatred starts to breathe, grow at last (8)
hear the screams, they chant they rant (7)
they're here, they're mad, start now, run fast (8)

refrain
chorus

iv.
you limp, you make your way (6)
see that stone, it spells your name (7)
this time you had to pay (6)
as you fall off your own game. (7)

coda (?)
i see war; i see bloodshed (7)
i see you; you're ripped, you're dead. (7)

refrain
chorus 2x

i'm not a fan of death. make it stop.

2009-02-25T06:48:00.000-08:00

Humihingi kami ng mga dasal niyo para sa kaluluwa ni Amiel Alcantara. Siya ay nasa ikaapat na baitang at mag-aaral ng Mababang Paaralan ng Ateneo de manila. Kanina lamang, siya'y naipit ng dalawang kotse sa may dismissal/waiting area, oras ng kanilang uwian. Kinailangan pa siyang hugutin mula sa ibaba ng kotse upang maialis siya sa pagkaipit. Maraming dugo ang nakita sa pinangyarihan ng insidente. Naisugod pa siya sa ospital ngunit hindi rin nagtagal at siya'y pumanaw. Nawa'y ipagdasal niyo ang kanyang kaluluwa at ang kanyang pamilya. Pakipasa ang mensaheng ito sa iba. Maraming salamat po. (gm)

it made me stop for a long time. i actually prayed when i received this IM. from many different people. it's painful. it's sad. it's unbearable.

i don't know him. but somehow...

i love this game

2009-02-24T06:33:00.000-08:00

my head's half school work, half basketball and half chris tiu nowadays. wait that's three halves. that can't be right. duhhhh. so chris tiu and basketball make up one half. i don't know it's crazy, i can't stop playing the NBA 2009 game in my cellphone and i scroll in channels and i find myself stuck to, "aw! that was a nice rebound! his third one this match..." and actually enjoying it.

i think it kinda started when we went to the states. i mean i don't have an amazing appreciation of the sport before, i didn't even attend UAAP matches that often but when i was exposed to my cousin's high school games (in the US) and to the xbox which contained only that--- a basketball game.. game. so there. it so happened that my PE (i had no other choices by the way) was basketball *hmm* yeah and it sorta began to build up, my appreciation for the sport. :)

about chris tiu. nevermind that. :P i just think he's cute. not that i thought the opposite before but you know i learned to appreciate him more also cos basketball is frekken hard and he handles the ball like.. a ball that's easy to hold. (i'm talking crap again aren't i) when it's not and shoots it like it's an effing burger making its way to his own mouth. (....enough) :D :D

anyway, I WANNA WATCH A LAKERS GAME! like what chris tiu did. not because he did it but because i really want to. I WANNA SEE KOBE! argghh.the pictures below are cute. awwwww. and oh so nostalgic. damn. **naglalaro ako ng ps noon, puro silang dalawa lang players ko. nagagalit lagi sakin yung kapatid ko. i go, sila lang kilala ko e. hahaha.** they're so cuute. currently, our team in PE is actually doing pretty good. first game: win, second game: win. yay. that's 2-0. woo hoo. but I'M KINDA BRUISED AND I HAVE A BUKOL ON MY LEFT EYEBROW THAT I CAN'T SCRATCH COS IT HURTS. i put in ice already but it's still swollen and painful. so there. BASKETBAAAAAALLL. so that's what they meant when they said i love this game. :)

time to look up.

2009-02-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

february 22, 2009.

happee birthday lolo totong. :)
you were a great person.
i hope you're having a great time.
please pray for my grades. and for all of us.

again happy birthday.
i miss you. we all do. :)

freaking out!

2009-02-20T05:10:00.000-08:00

okay so jhoon, you know the one i am currently going gaga over, kjwan's drummer. he uhm, sent a mass message that got in my facebook. and he typed LEKI. eekk! *schoolgirl scream* but i think he pretty much just added that detail to lure a jumbo effing barnacle head like me. it really doesn't mean that he knows me. he's kinda promoting this summer drum lessons. the thing is, i wanna do it and i don't wanna do it. and i can do it and i can't! what is the matter with me?? i'm thinking NO! cos i have long established to myself that i'm not a drum person more so a performing person. i'm just gonna make a fool of myself around him. :( but then i'm also thinking, SURE BY ALL MEANS! it's him inviting and it's my one in a million chance to actually know the frekken dude. why oh why do i have to think?more problems:

1. it frekken starts next effing week. - i went dude, i'm still trying to figure out how to start an essay that's due next month. how the hell am i supposed to be working on my banging skills and calculating for the concentration of stupid ___ in my chemistry manual (that's an exaggeration but you get the point). so i asked jhoon if he can extend or start late (like after march). i feel like he's considering but i can't really be sure. i'm just happy that he's very responsive and open to all my quirks.

2. i have summer school. period. it's gonna be a little harder than i thought. i have full units and that's not gonna help in my quest to learn the art of hitting the drums. but jhoon, being teh optimistic nice person that he is says that we can arrange my schedule. and that's why he's such a darling. :) the conversation went on and on and on. still i have made no sure choice. amazing.after his last reply, i asked, "do you have to be really good to go for more lessons?" hahahahah pathetic!!!

3. i can't play the drums. i'm wacked. the only thing i've done while coordinating my hands, arms and feet is swimming and i'm not even half that good at it. i do piano and guitars because i don't have to start dancing with more than my upper torso when i play them. compare that to drumming. i'm foreseeing that i can't hit the base drum while trying to keep the hi-hat closed and hitting a snare while smiling. in short, i am a huge piece of an uncoordinated cement bag that's better off handling the microphone in a band. yes?

4. i'm afraid of jhoon. well not afraid afraid but i'm too shy around him. i can barely breathe properly when i see him. i can't talk straight and i keep spacing out. how the effing cheese wiz am i supposed to be able to concentrate and actually learn if i wont be able to move when he's teaching?

because of all these problems that i am anticipating, no imagining possibly, i i decided to tell my sister and force her to do it. JUST SO I CAN SAY THAT I SUPPORTED JHOON AND HELPED HIM, IN THEORY.

i'm still fucking thinking though. maybe my shitloaded brain will function fairly better tomorrow.

TO BE CONTINUED...

ROCKULTURA: UP Fair 2009

2009-02-15T19:24:00.000-08:00

a up ba? oras na para magtagalog tayong lahat. yay. pag nabulol pa ako, mananapak na ako ng tao. :D

noong nakaraang linggo, nangyari ang isa sa mga pinakamahalaga at pinakamakabuluhang pangyayari sa university of the philippines-- ang UP fair. di ko talaga alam kung bakit siya fair para sa akin e kasi ang pinupuntahan ko lang naman ay 'yung tugtugan 'pag gabi. hehe. dapat ata UP Murang Concert 2009.

isang linggong puro nagkalat na mga taong nakaitim at makapal ang eye liner, mga babaeng naka-miniskirt at leggings at madaming ipit sa buhok, sikat na banda, gitara, amps, drumsets, walang katapusang wires na nakakalat sa damo at lalalala. madami pa.

sa anim na gabing iyon, dalawa lang napuntahan ko. ay hinde, dalaw lang ang pinili kong puntahan. eto yung una. ROCKULTURA. martes. nakakatakot ang mga banda. nakakayanig ang tugtugan. nakakapangilabot ang dami ng taong nanonood. salamat sa no parking, ang paborito kong sideline band (haha), backstage pass kaching! ayon. masaya masaya. ayus namiss ko sila ely, raymund, markus, buddy, etc.

okay ang pedicab. naka-formal attire. :D ang kulit sa backstage. tenet tenet tenen tenen. sfx!
pupil din ang sarap panoorin. ang cute ni yani, naka-slippers lang siya. :) at si ely grabe, ang *****. grr. hahahah andun din sandwich. super galeng. :D kulit niyong lahat. hahah.p.s. shoutout: francis ijares kung binabasa mo to, ang dami mong na-miss.
shoutout: daps okay lang na nawala phone mo, super saya naman e. :D

yung mga litrato nasa multiply: www.invadersss.multiply.com
album name: ROCKULTURA: UP Fair 2009

i'm not bitter.

2009-02-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

whew thank you teddy geiger. :)

i'm smiling now. minutes ago i just wanna take my sister's head off. i swear if she goes into one more of her rip off tactics i'll go to a witch and have her cursed for life. she's just being a shithead. ruining all plans just cos one of her friends says so. god damn i don't effing care. i'm not gonna tell the whole story anymore, it'll just make me go back to being angry again.

anyway, while i'm here at the CTC computer laboratory being idle and pathetic waiting for time to fucking pass cos i cant go home cos my sister's stupid friends are there, *breathe* my ipod's on shuffle (like always) and it lands on BITTER by TEDDY GEIGER. i'm not really a fan; i'm just giving him a chance cos he has a movie that i just watched and really liked. it's called "ROCKER." i put random songs in my playlist and imma try to go through them sometime this week but so far they're okay.

bitter goes,

"I'm not bitter
But i've seen
Better days
I'm not bitter
Is it the better man
That always
Walks away"

again, thank you teddy geiger. now i'm calm. :) he's cute pa. he looks like a baby john mayer. :D :D

hey i'm not stupid

2009-02-09T15:11:00.000-08:00

i finally passed a chemistry exam!
wee! parteh!

and i'm not pasang awa!
wee! parteh some more!

i got nothing more to say.

yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay.

okay time to study some more. zzzzzz.

time to meet hell: part infinity

2009-02-01T21:07:00.000-08:00

hell week's coming. again. in about 24 hours. screw it, you know what, it's actually eating me up already right now.

DEAR GOD, SOS! drowning barnacle head ahead. glob blob blob.
let's get this over with.

that means no blogging in a while. i got nothing good to write anyway. like i ever had any. hahahah.

tandang padamdam: acp benefit concert

2009-01-29T20:13:00.000-08:00

yes it was my first gig of the year. err, it was okay. there weren't a lot of people but there was free coffee so i'm a bit jumpy until now. :P it was a free benefit concert for the people of cagayan de oro. donation boxes were circulating the venue. i spent like 70 bucks on that. well i think that's enough generosity for the night. i was happy anyway. :) so the usual, there were bands. wow.

1. hansom. was the band that caught my attention. man they're good. there are only three of them but they can surely rock the house. ACTION MAN is still running around my brain and he goes AKO SI ACTION ACTION MAN. they're crazy but i find them really cool and i think they're already there. you know there there, like somehow famous and almost. hahah nevermind. i've seen them perform once already but i was kinda busy then and i really didn't pay attention. hehe. now i stand corrected, you should be heard. what's up with the name though? hahahahah. hansom haha.2. pedicab. pedicab was there. uh duuuuuhhh. hahah. anyway yeah, i've gotten of them. hehe kidding. they're still fun i just got so used to seeing them but never being able to talk to (i guess i don't want to because i was already given like a bageellion times but nada. nevermind) that maybe i'll just enjoy their performances from a distance muna. :P they were nice though. super. they let us in the backstage and we had pictures with the bass guitar hello kitty theme still again (whut?) and when i was about to gat my photo with them, i sat beside daddy maps away from the rest and he goes, "teka, dito ka sa gitna. yaaan" and i go oh okay haha whatever. :)3. bamboo! shet finally after so many years, i finally was able to watch them perform. wow. they were pretty much how i pictured them. like no comments as "mas maputi siya or mas matangkad siya in person" and such. except nathan pala who was whoah gorgeous. i mean more than i expected. ira was so hot. bamboo so hot din sobra. i could watch them all night. they're effing great. i love them. when they go hallelujah, it burns the stage. oohhh. i hope to see them again and maybe have an autograph or a photo. whutever.

4. rico blanco! rico blanco. rico blanco. i never thought i would actually stay for him (he performed last, way way later than bamboo. do the math) but i did and he was okay. he looked good, he didn't look sabog or anything, he was actually better looking now. maybe. than when he was with rivermaya. no offense. hehe. again, i already saw him singing solo during the mtv summit, i just didn't think i should give a damn and i didn't but last night, i gave him a shot and hmm, maybe he looked and performed great. maybe even hot. (or no? i blew it? haha) anyway, there. his songs are mighty weird but if he was still in rivermaya i'd say, they might actually play those songs. :)

i left that night with a coffee overdose, a bamboo hangover and a rivermaya nostalgia. argh. my ipod looped wag na init ulo baby and balisong on my way home, and when i got home, i went to youtube and watched rivermaya videos and boy did they sound just so sweet. :) i miss them *sniff sniff* i hate jason fernandez. gay.

5. there were also performances by sinosikat, out of body special, itchyworms, and other [[amp]] bands. :P

I'LL GO STEAL SOME PHOTOS SOON AND POST THEM HERE SO YOU COULD SEE 'EM. BWAHAHAHAHA. :D :D
anyway, here's wag na init ulo baby the video. they were sooo cute here. :P

geeewwwd boy.

2009-01-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

charlie's my younger sister. she's still in cagayan finishing her high school years. she'll soon be living with me and yz.

CONGRATULATIONS FOR PASSING SHIT, CHARLIE!
SHE'S GOING TO UP DILIMAN.
GOOD CHOICE BECAUSE ATENEO'S GONNA KILL YOU.
HAHA.
CONGRATS ULIT. GOOD BOY. :)

ateneo.
up

can't see charlie? that's 'cause her real name's patricia. heheh. we just liked charlie so we started the thing. :P

OBAMA night tonight

2009-01-20T02:58:00.000-08:00

inauguration 2009 is already in progress. well, at least in my tv screen it is. i'm watching it right now. it's a big, tight and momentous spectacle. people are all crowding to witness it. wow. i think obama will do just fine if not great. maybe. i am not an all around fan and supporter but i do believe that he might have something to say. :)i really have nothing more to say except congratulations BARACK OBAMA. good luck and have a good one.

p.s. AAHH DENZEL WASHINGTON'S THERE! hahahah.
p.p.s i thought i'd put a more formal photo, but heck this other one's like an andy warhol coolness. :)